Grunt! Man See Ball. Man Hit Ball. Good.

1. The Golf Trip

You will not be reading me in this space again until Monday. Maybe Tuesday. Sorry, but my annual golf trip to Pinehurst will occupy every waking minute of my life for the next four days.

God bless it, do I love this trip. L-O-V-E… I – T!!!!

I’m sure many of you guys have golf trips, hunting trips, fishing trips, etc. And the dynamic is just hard to describe. Anytime you get a group of 24 men (in my case) together for 3 days and 5 rounds of golf – unsupervised by “real” adults and women folk – it’s just so refreshing.

Sort of like a 4 day trip back to college. To hang with your dorm pals, or frat buddies, or college teammates. To speak as you please. Drink as you please. Eat, smoke, curse, yell, taunt, laugh, carry on, start shit, end shit, talk shit, gamble, play hard, play drunk, win money, lose money – whatever.

And at the end of the trip, I guarantee you that every man will have a big fat smile on his face at a weekend well spent, and glimmer of a tear in his eye that reality is about to lay his out like a linebacker on Monday at the office.

I hope women understand why men need these trips. I feel bad for any man whose wife/girlfriend/fiancé doesn’t get it, or doesn’t allow it, or doesn’t encourage it. If that’s the case, I urge you to let your civilized caveman back into the woods for a while with us other cavemen.

He’ll come back feeling much better for the experience, and appreciate you even more.

2. Dear Barry, I Love You

You want a great comedy website to kill some time? Try www.barrybonds.com. Oh, it’s a real hootenanny! Like the “letters to Barry” section where the stuff is so focused on hitting every pro-Barry “talking point”, why you might wonder how come real first and last names are not included.

Here’s one from the April 3rd update, which is unfortunately the last entry from Barry. Funny, because with all those days off he’s getting, you think he could knock out a blog item or two. Anyhow….

John, Pittsburgh
"I just want to express my support for you. To me, you are the greatest player I have ever seen. You are an inspiration to my young children (7 years and 8 years). When my kids want to be Barry Bonds, that says a ton about how you carry yourself on and off the field. Not one thing they say about you can change my opinion. It's a shame that as a fan, I can't enjoy watching you make history without some idiot trying to make excuses and stories why you are so good. Please do not let these idiots chase you from the game. I want to witness when you make history and so my children can also one day tell their kids thay watched the greatest player ever to put on any baseball uniform. You're the best!"

REACT: Right on, “John in Pittsburgh.” Let’s hope “the idiots” don’t chase Baroid from the game. It’s a very funny website, I just wish he’d update it more often. I mean isn’t this the perfect forum and time to get his message out about his struggles this year with injuries and lack of HRs?

3. Goin’ Deep

From the sports fans can be morons file….

Czabe-
While attending the Brewers game on Saturday, my friend made the claim that he possessed the ability to hit a home run in a major league ball park. My first reaction was to laugh then promptly propose a $1,000 standing bet that he could not accomplish such a feat. Now, I realize that the opportunity for him to prove me right may never present itself, so I was hoping you could shed some light on the subject. What chance does a scrawny, average height man (5-11) in better than average physical shape have of actually knocking it out of the park?

Oh...and about five minutes after accepting my challenge, he then asked (as if we would be settling the next day) if I would be making him use an aluminum bat or wood. We will be using MLB standards here.

Thanks!

Will in Milwaukee

REACT: Well, Will. Tell your buddy there’s a show called “Pros vs. Joes” that is just tailor made for him. But realistically, he’s got NO chance. Even with a ball on a tee, or a guy lobbing in BP pitches, it won’t happen. I once took BP with the Charlotte Knights AAA team (the great Tommy John was throwing) and he let us use ALUMINUM bats. I think I got one to BOUNCE onto the warning track. And I smoked it.

4. The Rules for 2006

Somebody sent me this email, claiming to be George Carlin’s “Rules” for 2006. I know George Carlin. I’m damn near a Carlin historian. I know he did not write these rules. Some wiseass with an email account did, and thought they sounded like Carlinisms.

Still, some of them were funny. I weeded out about half of them, to hopefully leave you the keepers.

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

5. And Now Your Pic O’ The Day!

You know the chick trainer Keith Hernandez was complaining about being the dugout? Well, here she is. And yeah, you male pigs WERE wondering: "Well, is she hot?"