Will Lance-less Tour Be More Exciting?

1. Okay, now that Lance has won his 7th Tour and will hang them up to “be with his family” (nice, but perhaps the most over-rated thing going…) I want some HONEST feedback from you spandex Nazi’s on the cycling front. Question: Are you HAPPY now that the Tour will be “interesting” again? You know, like some actual suspense about who will win? Also, once Lance had won Tour’s #4, 5, and 6, didn’t it make THIS one, a little bit LESS impressive, since he had empatically PROVEN that he’s the best in the world at this event? Honest answers, that’s all I want. Help educate me, Spandex Nation.

2. ESPN’s 50 States in 50 Days (aka: “Chris Berman’s Mini-Bar Bill Over America”) Tour visited lovely Staunton, VA last week. Hey, so have I visited Staunton (pronounced “STAN-ton” like the crappy pitcher my Nats picked up last week) only it was to take a leak on the way home to DC. But I digress. They showed a couple of guys who were like, the BEST foosball players I’ve ever seen. It was on the one hand, hypnotizing how they could make the foosball dance. It was also stunning in the realization that it must have consumed many, many, many hours of the their life to get that good.

3. So much for the NHL conspiracy to give NYC Sydney Crosby. I guess since Mario is “upside down” still on the contract $$$ he “wrote off” (cue Kramer bite on write-offs) in exchange for the whole shooting match, it was the LEAST the league could do for the guy.

4. Saw “Wedding Crashers” on Saturday. It is – without argument – the BEST COMEDY to come along in 10 years (maybe more). I don’t normally like to OVER-sell movies, but this one is impossible. It had so many funny lines, I swear to god I am going to see it again, with a notepad and pencil. Sure, is the overall plot a big romantic cliché? Yes. Is the gratuitous use of SNL guys like Christopher Walken and Will Ferrell predictable in nature? Fine. All of that doesn’t matter, because the rat-a-tat-tat dialogue in Crashers is SENSATIONAL. Mix in the R rating for good hard core cussing and about a dozen boobies, and what you have here is Meet the Parents, mixed with Something About Mary, taken to a steroidally new level of funny. Makes “Old School” look like a mild chuckle in comparison.

5. David Duval has guts, I’ll give him that much. So far this year, Duval has played 12 PGA Tour events. Missed all 12 cuts. Broken par in just ONE round. And has precisely $0.00 in earnings. Question: what do you think the PGA Tour record is for most starts in a season, with zero dollars in earnings?

6. Somehow, I was shocked that the Bills only got a 3rd round pick for Travis Henry. Injuries aside, this guy was a FEATURE RB in the NFL for several years, and figures to have pretty good tread on the tires left. Of course, thanks a lot TEN for making ONE MORE team in the NFL with a complete fantasy mess at RB.

7. Speaking of low trade values, my Washington Redskins (“We’re Just Like the Patriots Organizationally” – Joe Gibbs) told LB Mike Barrow he had “permission” to seek a trade. This would be like telling Vern Troyer he has “permission” to bang the first supermodel who says “yes” to him. Barrow did not play a single down for the Skins. He had an EXISTING knee issue when we got him, and it only got worse. Price tag: 6/13M total deal for the 35 – Thirty-F’ing Five! – year old LB, with an upfront bonus of $2.5 mil. Yep, Patriots do these deals all the time.

8. Last add Redskins: how’s that “trade” of WR Rod Gardner coming along? I love how we “rode this stock down to zero” (like Global Crossing paper) for a former mid-#1 pick who is in the last year of his contract. Prior to the draft, a little sweet talk could have netted a LONE 3rd rounder for him, but the Skins reportedly insisted on a #2. Hell, a drunken chimp could have gotten a 4th rounder, all day any day. Gardner will be on the curb with the recycling in about 2 weeks (or less) when his cap $$ is needed.

9. Tough break for Rony Tauriaf of the Lakers. Enlarged heart means rookie season on hold, and career might be over. Question: what do they do to “reduce” the “enlarged” heart? Put it on a spinning sander, and shave it down? Squeeze out the blood like an engorged sponge?

10. Very active tropics this year, means we might get all the way down to the X-Y-Z hurricane names before it’s said and done. I just want to know when we’ll get a truly “urban” name for a storm. You, know, like “Hurricane Tyrone.” Imagine all the great lines by weathermen if this were allowed to happen. Come on guys, we’ve got Hispanic named storms, lets let the brotha’s get some love. Next, the Asians. “Hurricane Chong.”