The "Next" Gatorade

All hail the great J. Robert Cade, inventor. His gift to the sports world? Gatorade. Yummy. It was his brilliant invention to create a sports drink that replenished the bodies key fluids and nutrients and launched a multi-billion dollar industry with countless imitators, rip-offs, and riffs of his original drink. I want to invent the “next” Gatorade. In fact, I already have an idea. “Choco-Noggin.” It’s hot chocolate, that cures concussions. Don’t have a clue about how to make it. But I’m sure some nerd in a labcoat can figure it out. Now, don’t go stealin’ my idea.

I have a mancrush on Dwight Howard of the Orlando Magic. This kid is flat, BLOWIN’ UP! He’s like a younger, slightly more polished offensive version of Alonzo Mourning. But much more marketable because of his outgoing friendly persona on and off the court. Memo to David Stern: give this kid the big-time “rocketship to the moon” push that Vince McMahon does to his favorite wrestlers.

The Skins Game has jumped the Shark. Once upon a time, I remember seeing Arnie, Jack, Gary, and Lee play this thing in the early 80’s. Then Fuzzy Zoeller kept things lively. Always, though, you had stars. Today? Zach Johnson, Fred Couples, Brett Wetterich and Stephen Ames. I really like Wetterich and Johnson, but they are as boring as watching NASCAR qualifying. Ames you couldn’t pick out of Duke Ellington’s band. And Freddy, he’s like soooooo… 90’s! In fact, I think Freddie now “gears his game” around being ready for the Skins Game in November. That’s how little he likes to play nowadays.

Speaking of golf… Phil Mickelson is a knob. You knew this. Here’s just ONE more reason why. Phil complained about the PGA Tour schedule being too long. He wanted more “rest” in the fall and winter. So what does he do once the Tour shortens things up? Books more dates for a fee in the far east. Just spent 2 weeks over in China raking in a cool couple of million. Then, the same guy who said he was skipping the Tour Championship to go trick-or-treating with his kids in San Diego, said that he was bringing his family on these paid-junkets to China, “as an educational experience.” Uh huh. An education in being a dishonest money whore. I don’t mind Phil playing for guaranteed Yen overseas, but a) don’t bitch about the Tour schedule asking for time to “rest” and b) Don’t use your kids as an easy excuse when you bail on events, and then claim they are going to China for the “eduction.” No wonder he has few real friends on Tour.

Last golf item: LPGA Q-School is going on right now. Guess who didn’t have the ovaries to show up and stick her peg in the dirt? You got it. Miss Sony. Miss Stanford. Miss DFL. Enjoy your 7 events on Tour this coming season, Michelle. Try to make a few cuts if you can.

There’s a legitimate argument to be made that athletes these days NEED to own guns for their own protection. Sean Taylor was, sadly, a strong case example. However, it must be emphasized that owning a gun for protection can save your life if you keep it locked in your home. Its not recommended if you bring it out and point it in people’s faces, or blast it off in parking lots of strip clubs. That will only get more thugs wanting to shoot you. I don’t know if Taylor lost his right to own a gun because of his plea bargain in the ATV case, but his brandishing of a machete was the proverbial “knife in a gunfight.”

I’ve been saying this for a while, but this survey backs up my point: 45% PREFER FOOTBALL ON HDTV OVER THE STADIUM. I think the NFL faces a real threat to its stadium revenue model as more people see the benefits of sitting at home in front of a gleaming 72 inch display that scans a glorious 1080 lines of clarity. Go to the game? Pffttt! Why bother? The lines, the traffic, the cost, the weather? This year we’ve had blackout threats in Minnesota, Buffalo, Jacksonville, Atlanta and Oakland. Mostly bad teams, and some marginal markets, but that would be too much for my comfort if I’m Roger Goodell or if I own a team.

I recently mentioned that having sex with a mother/daughter combo (don’t ask me how it came up) would be one of the mythical “Sexual Grand Slams.” The other two I could name were the “Mile High Club” and the “Threesome.” What would be the 4th, and how would you rank them? Discuss amongst yourself.

Who else here REALLY got into the excellent and rich audio of Tom Brady making line calls on NBC during the Patriots-Eagles game last Sunday night? I thought NBC did the best job of delivering really clean audio of what he was saying. More than any other network has ever shown. Fascinating. I bet Bill Belichick was not pleased. Funny Bill, not so fun when somebody is spying on YOU now is it?

From Kevin O’Neill’s Realworldsports.com weekly gambling newswire. Betting was suspended in last Wednesday’s Cornell-Drake hoops game when it was determined that Drake was hosting not the Cornell Big Red from the Ivy League, but the Cornell Rams or Mount Vernon, Iowa – a Division III school that is a member of the Iowa Intercollegiate Athletic Conference. Ooops.

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AND NOW, YOUR PIC O' THE DAY!!

Now that's one nasty Pirahana!