These Heat Really Do Burn Me

The NBA playoffs are only fun to watch when you have a team you viscerally hate to root against. Sure, rooting FOR a particular team is okay. But it’s the rooting AGAINST that gets your blood pumpin.

So thank God for the Miami Heat. Because I hate their guts. In fact, the only guy on that team I do not hate, is Dwayne Wade. And I hate the fact that I can’t root as openly for him because of the knuckleheads he’s playing with.

Shaquille O’Neal is a mouthy lummox, whose act has grown tired.

The thought of Pat Riley with another ring after throwing Stan Van under the bus, is nauseating.

The vision of White Trash Chocolate Rapper Jason Williams showing off hardware, sickens me.

Gary Payton, soaked in champagne, is obscene. Antoine Walker with title ice, is wrong on so many levels.

The notion of Jimmy Buffet with a ring, and a little tiny ring for his stupid parrott, is enough to make me puke.

And to think that a whole ‘nother bunch of front runnin’ South Florida “sports fans” would have a championship is just too much to stomach. First the Marlins, now the Heat? Oh god….

2. Haunted Microphone

The Barry Bonds home run call for #715 was interrupted on radio by a glitch that somehow allowed play-by-play man Dave Fleming’s mic to suddenly cut off.

Man, he must be pissed! Not that he’d get paid royalties on the call, but to be part of history is any play-by-play man’s dream. And assuming Bonds doesn’t reach Aaron, this was THE highlight.

Now, one must ask: how does that even happen? Could it have been the ghost of Babe Ruth reaching from the afterworld to spoil the moment? While that would be the romantic notion out of baseball’s “Field of Dreams” wing of mysticism, something more simple and cynical was perhaps going on.

Could a producer, board operator, or other technical assistant sabotaged the call on purpose? Think about it. The mic cuts out right at the critical moment, when it was obvious Bonds had crushed it.

Hmmm.

First of all, singular microphone failure is extremely, extremely rare. Unless it was a wireless mic with batteries, you would have to turn it off. Furthermore, the timing is the thing that makes you really wonder. If that mic cuts out when Bonds is walking to the plate, the engineers go on high alert, and make sure things are buttoned up and working for what might be history.

So the mic goes out at the very point of no return, when it was nearly certain he had hit the home run. Oh there are possible reasons. I don’t know. Maybe the announcer jumped up, and accidentally pulled out the plug. But they didn’t say that was the case. Maybe he accidentally touched a button on the radio mixer they were using. Also unlikely. Just very, very fishy.

3. ABC's New Shows

Thanks to the NBA playoffs, I have now been made aware of various TV shows that will be debuting on the American Broadcasting Network this summer and fall. They include a show called “How To Get The Guy.” It’s a dating show, involving four women (real, I presume, not actors) who are “coached” by relationship “experts” on how to, well, you read the title.

Now, I’m just guessing one bit of advice they will most certainly NOT be giving these women is: “Just be yourself.”

Nah, it takes much more trickery than that. It’s why you need a whole show on how to “get” the guy. Like we are animals that need to be trapped. You might think there would be a companion show called “How To Get the Girl.” But it wouldn’t be a show. It would be one line: “Buy her shit.” End of show.

Also, I see that they are starting a “new” show called “Master of Champions” which seems like an odd title. Seeing the clips, however, you instantly say: “Oh. It’s That’s Incredible’ all over again. Cool. Guys shooting milk out their eyelids, gymnasts shooting a bow and arrow while standing on their head. Crap like that.

Maybe Fran Tarkenton isn’t busy, and can do a walk on guest spot. It’ll be just like old times. Is Kathy Lee Crosby still (sorta) hot?

4. Leg Pressing His Credibility

According to his church’s website, 76 year old Pat Robertson claims to have leg pressed 2,000 pounds. That’s right. TWO-THOUSAND.

Right. Uh, huh.

But hey, he’s got photos. Which still is not dissuading skeptics of the feat of strength. In fact, most powerlifters say you can’t even GET 2000 pounds of iron onto a rack. Even with rare 100 pound plates.

Here’s the key blurb: According to the CBN Web site, Robertson worked his way up to lifting a ton with the help of his physician, who is not named. The posting does not say when the lift occurred, but a CBN spokeswoman released photos to The Associated Press that she said showed Robertson lifting 2,000 pounds in 2003, when Robertson was 73. He is now 76.

REACT: Now, the jokes pretty much write themselves. Like: “Who was his doctor, Nick Riviera?” I mean seriously, what doctor even advises a 73 year old man to lift that kind of weight? My producer Jay Cottrell had the best line: “Who was his strength coach? The golf coach for Kim Jong Il?” Touch em’ all, folks.

5. And Now, Your Pic O’ The Day!

How nauseating is it to see Penny Marshall at a Miami Heat game, wearing her Lakers "championship" ring? Ugh.