Mark It Zero, Belichick!

So here we are America, on the precipice of terminal national stupidity.

The two biggest scandals in the last few months have been the size of Kim Kardashian’s greased-up ass, and the mysterious loss of 2 PSI in 11 footballs in a single game, in a single half, where not a single record was broken, en route to a 45-7 thrashing.

Hey, China! If you ever thought about invading, now’s a good time.

I think we’d be a pretty easy mark at this point in our 238 year history.

Those pressers on Thursday were the biggest hypocritical shit-show I’ve ever seen.

The professional NFL media is as easily manipulated as the watchdog who can be silenced with the mere toss of a steak bone, yet bark like maniacs when you turn on the vacuum. The same professional media openly abets the league when it tries to shake down cities for new taxpayer funded stadiums by breathlessly reporting every relocation rumor, yet gets their pants in a wad about whether a gay player is getting a fair shot in training camp.

Professional buffet grazers like Bob Kravitz of the Indy Starr and Rob Borges of the Boston Herald are now demanding Belichick get fired, and incredulous that Brady doesn’t have instrument grade PSI sensors in his fingertips.

I especially loved how at one point Thursday, a reporter frustrated that Brady hadn’t yet simply admitted he was indeed a witch, basically begged him to say “sorry” – for something, anything, I suppose.

There are questions so simple, and yet so unanswerable, they ought to make half-smart people stop acting like idiots.

Questions like…

Q: If the various game officials who handle the footballs can’t notice a discernible human difference to stop the game and change balls, then how can it possibly matter?

Q: If everyone thinks throwing and catching an NFL football is so much easier at 11 psi instead of 12.5, then why isn’t THAT the official recommended inflation point?

Q: If it’s so crucial, why not glue a tamper-proof seal over the nipple before the game, and remove any ball which has that seal broken?

Unless the NFL has some kind of proof the Patriots did something, then they got nothing. You better have good video of a kid on the sidelines, or somebody credible in the building who you can flip.

Brady and Belichick didn’t owe anybody anything Thursday. All they should have said is: “The league’s investigating, and we’re cooperating fully.”

But every armchair Perry Mason in the room couldn’t help shouting over each other, in a desperate fling at delivering the “ah HA!” question that would reduce either guy to a puddle of confessional tears.

It’s impossible to hate that crowd any more than most fans already do.

But yeah, they’ll say, it’s about the “integrity of the game.” It’s about RULES, man!

Geezuz. Really? Since when did everyone turn into Walter Fucking Sobchak? “MARK IT ZERO, NEXT FRAME!”

This is a league that shits on it’s own “rules” whenever the situation is inconvenient, or if they just feel like it.

You know, like those new fancy concussion RULES for players on the sidelines? Russell Wilson took a Cat-5 direct hit from Clay Matthews, and was looked at for “about 2 seconds” according to Fox’s Erin Andrews.

You know, like the time the Redskins and Cowboys followed the written RULES on the so-called “capless year”, and then were HAMMERED by the NFL for violating an un-written and patently illegal “you better not do that” warning from several of the more powerful owners?

You know, like the RULES regarding player retirement not being used as a convenient end-run around escaping a team’s contractual rights?

Brett Favre was trying to slink his way to the Vikings, when the Packers realized, “holy shit, we can’t let that happen! He might hurt us!”

So they engineered a trade with the Jets, complete with poison pill language to make sure he wouldn’t be immediately re-routed to the Vikes. Favre plays one crappy year in NY, and then… ta da!… retires.

Again.

So what do the Jets do, once he’s safely on their “Retired/Reserve” list.

They RELEASE him. For. No. Fucking. Good. Reason.

Here, don’t believe me? The NY Daily news smelled a rotten fish the whole time…

“This move raises many questions.

On the surface the move makes no sense for the Jets, who would have owned Favre’s rights through 2010 when his contract expires. Now, if he signs elsewhere, they’re not entitled to any compensation. It cost the Jets a third round pick to acquire Favre last summer from the Packers, who dealt him after an ugly divorce.

Unless he is planning to return, Favre had no logical reason to request his release. The Jets didn’t have to accomodate him.”

And yet they did. And of course he DID un-retire one more time. And then he proceeded to squarely fuck the Packers up the ass for two seasons like he had planned to all along, in a scenario the Packers were willing to pay good money to explicitly avoid.

And did the NFL explain the Jets’ curious release of Favre? Or block his un-retirement as a circumvention of league rules?

Of course not.

And the media was nowhere to be found. Keep barking at the vacuum cleaner you dummies. You are starting to do the impossible: making the rest of America part-time Patriot fans.