The World’s Richest, Luckiest, Moron

They paid $44 million for this guy in 2012.

A barrel chested dope, who has somehow fallen into the driver’s seat of a $9 billion-dollar a year company that is impossible to sink.

Impossible.

How many qualified CEO’s of other companies are looking at Roger Goodell now and slamming their fists through the drywall in their own conference rooms in sheer jealousy?

Goodell hasn’t run anything larger than a lemonade stand when he was a kid, and now he’s the CEO of the NFL.

And he’s an idiot.

In the real world of companies that have to COMPETE for market share – the NFL most certainly does not have to compete for anything – can you imagine a CEO botching a PR disaster like Ray Rice’s domestic assault like this, and keeping his job?

But hey, Goodell said “I didn’t get it right” in a rambling manifesto of corporate legalese, so just wait for some of the league’s media lapdogs to use that as a reason to PRAISE Roger Tone Deaf.

Way to go, Rog. Doin’ a heckuva job.

If the NFL was Coca-Cola, and the CFO of Coke was seen doing exactly what Rice did, and the CEO decided to “punish” the CFO by limiting his use of the corporate jet (the rough equivalent of Rice’s 4-game sit-down) you could bet the stock would take hit, sales would crash, and that dummy CEO would be sacked by the Board of Directors by C.O.B. on Friday.

But not in Roger’s cushy world. He just bumbles from one comic under-reaction to a serious issue (concussions) to the next absurd over-reaction (Bounty Gate) and keeps getting raises along the way.

Goodell could literally take a 365 day nap, wake up to take a piss, and see his company’s bottom line go up by 18%.

So let’s see, now there’s the most DRACONIAN two-step punishment for sexual/domestic assault in all of sports.

Strike One: 6 games.
Strike Two: Banned for life.

Sure, that makes sense. I mean, the electric chair would have been a bit much for a second offense, right?

Never mind that nobody really knows what “counts” as a “strike” under this new, not-at-all-collectively-bargained policy. Would Rice’s pre-trial “diversion” program “count” as a “strike.”

I doubt it. She wasn’t going to testify against him, and despite what might have been on that inside-the-elevator tape, it was probably going to be an uphill battle to convict.

Do allegations count? A bloody nose? A single call to 911?

Ah, we’ll sort it out the next time a woman ends up at the bottom of some player’s stairs. Don’t worry. What could go wrong? In a single knee-jerk reaction, Goodell has now set himself and league up for a future hornet’s nest of litigation, union opposition and constant scandal.

Besides, if Roger messes up the next time, he can always just release a Memorandum and say: “I didn’t get it right.”

Every now and then, I get someone who emails me and says “what do you have against Goodell?” They want me to somehow PROVE that he’s NOT a capable executive of a large company. I say why is the proof on ME to show he’s an idiot?

Instead, tell me what he IS good at, and I’m all ears. Show me his track record in business outside the NFL, his deft touch in turning companies around, or navigating challenging market landscapes.

Yeah, right.

But he’s got a whole notebook full of killer ideas on how to liven up the Extra Point.

Carry on, SpokesApe. The check is in the mail.