“Bourbon, Scotch and Whiskey… Oh My!”

I know just enough about the brown stuff to make me dangerously confused on many aspects of this subject. But my guest today is an AUTHORITY! Fred Minnick, author and bourbon expert, helps sort out the myth from fact, and explain how bourbon made a helluva rally in the late 90’s. I also talk Nats and POFF, the unthinkable trade, and empty the mailbag. All that, plus welcome to “The Straw Police.”

“If I Can’t Get It Done, I’m Not Going to Take Their Money”

“Who guarantees I’m going to live 10 years?” he said. “So I don’t think about that. You start thinking about a 10-year contract – people don’t know how it’s structured and it doesn’t matter. The only thing that matters is, ‘Is Khalil Mack going to be here? Is Donald Penn going to be ready to play?’ I’ve got more important things to worry about than eight years of my contract.”

  1. Jon Gruden Doesn’t Want to Dwell on His Record Breaking Contract
  2. The NFL’s Universally Despised Pre-Season Is Back…. Ugh… Again.
  3. College Football Has Figured Out The Anthem, Why Can’t NFL?
  4. Merry Mex To Canada: Be Proud of Your Golf Championship!
  5. Lamar Odom, A Hooters, and Gunshots
  6. More Than 17,000 People Want to Drink Disgusting “Mummy Juice”
  7. Dogs Go Out of Their Way to Comfort Humans When Feeling Sad
  8. Largest Dinosaur Foot Ever Found! (No, It Doesn’t Belong to Shaq)
  9. Poor Matt Lauer Can’t Even Find Peace in New Zealand!
  10. CVS Pharmacy’s Hold Music Is Driving Customers Insane

He Was Looking For A Veteran Who Knew The System

Jimmy Garoppolo can date whomever the hell he wants… but… man… where are your parents, bro? The news last week that he took XXX Porn Star Kiara Mia (real name: Deanne Munoz) out on a sweetheart date in LA certainly gave us in the chattering class something juicy to dish about.

It’s to my knowledge, the first time an NFL QB has officially “dated” a hard corn porn star in the modern media age. Sure, Joe Namath was a famous womanizer. Favre sent dick pics where they didn’t belong. Cutler ended up bagging Kristin Cavallari from the reality show “The Hills.” Russell Wilson finally lost his virginity (we think) to Ciara. And Brady has supermodel Giselle.

NFL starting QB’s are 32 modern day Prince Charmings on the modern sports landscape. (Joe Flacco is like Prince William, a certified doofball looker, but a prince, nonetheless!) These are not men who should be easily bagged, nor should they lower their standards to the gutter.

And Jimmy G, is certified Jimmy Gorgeous! He’s the best looker since Mark Sanchez, only he can actually play!

Bro, look at this girl. She’s got twin beanbags that must weight 40 pounds each. She’s a carnival act! Is that really your thing?

Her IMDB bio reads as follows: “Mia spent fourteen years trying to break into the mainstream prior to her involvement in the adult entertainment industry. Kiara first began performing in explicit hardcore movies in her mid-thirties in 2011.”

Now that’s the definition of a “thirsty girl!”

If the Patriots still had Jimmy G and Brady had rode off into retirement, I can certainly see where Belichick would NOT be cool with this! Hell, the Pats publicly scolded Gronk into apologizing for a mere photo taken shirtless with an aspiring 20 year old porn wanna-be wearing his #87.

The reason is simple: girls who get their tits inflated to 90 PSI and are willing to put their mouth on anything to get famous, can’t be trusted in the ultra paranoid world of the NFL. She knows the Jimmy G train isn’t going to come to a stop at “happily ever after” so she’ll ride it and work it for all it’s worth” while she’s got him on the hook.

Then, when it comes time for a dismount, she’ll make sure to do it as loudly as possible, generating the most clicks, videos, and daytime chatter on ESPN as possible. She’ll say some shit like “Jimmy has a really small dick and just couldn’t satisfy me” or “Jimmy asked me to do a 3-way with another player on the Seahawks” and who knows what else?

Then we’ll all cluck-cluck, tut-tut, fill a few radio segments and move on. But it’ll be Garappolo and the Niners holding the bag of nonsense thrown in their laps in the middle of a 3 game losing streak, with Jimmy G maybe having the worst numbers of his young career so far.

In short, NFL QB’s are like mini-corporations, who must serve as the face of hope and stability for their team’s future. They don’t have time to “manage the crazy” of somebody who starred in “Bra Busters 4” “Big Wet Butts” and “MILF Fantasies.”

Besides, Jimmy. She’s 41. Smarten up, and move along, unless you really plan on bringing her home for the holidays.

The Kid Was In The Front Row! Wasn’t That Enough?

File this viral video under “too bad to be true” or something like that. Turns out that just because the camera catches one ball, one time, not landing in the precious hands of a little boy at a baseball game, doesn’t mean that evil had prevailed in civil society. Sometimes, there’s more to the story. Drew Olson joins me to talk about Josh Hader’s ovation, his “Tiger-only” love affair with golf, and a rousing FTG. Plus Brady’s “dad-bod” and Jimmy G’s porn-star girlfriend, and more!

All That Avacado “Ice Cream” For That Body?

I’ll be the first to admit my shirtless “dad-bod” looks a helluva a lot worse than his. In fact, I’d say mine is the Brett Hundley of shirtless bods, to Tom Brady’s actual shirtless bod. But then again, he’s eating avacado “ice cream” with sawdust sprinkles, while trying to drown himself in water. Me, I eat a share pack of M&M Caramels every day, thanks. So who’s really winning here?

  1. Ageless NFL Wonder Getting Body Shamed Kissing Supermodel
  2. Meet Robot Steph Curry: Defense Needs Work, However
  3. It’s Happened Again: Beach Umbrella Impales Woman in Chest
  4. Easily the Worst Call in Baseball History
  5. College Video Game Teams Already Have a Title IX Problem
  6. MLB teams’ Directors of Bunting, Shift-Defeating and Opposite Field Hitting
  7. Elon Musk Is A Total Fraud
  8. Cancel The Social Media Lynch Mob on Cubs Ball Meanie
  9. Buccaneers Are Back To Square One: “What About the QB?”
  10. Tour de France Rider Punches Opponent in Face

If The Redskins Are Any Better Than Just Mediocre, I’ll Be Surprised

Yeah, I know. Way to be a grump to start the season, El Baldo. Look, I could blow August sunshine in your face about the team I still love and root for, but that’s Joe Theismann’s job! And I expect “Sunshine Joey” to be in his usual pre-season form once exhibition season begins.

There’s nothing wrong with optimism. In fact, the NFL does tend to be the most volatile league from year to year. There are many examples of 6-10 losers the year prior, going all the way to either an NFC/AFC championship game, or even the Super Bowl. The Jags were 3-13, and then the next year had New England dead to rights in their building before choking it all away. The Rams were 4-12 and had to fire their dumb-ass mustache of a coach, then won their division by 2 games over vaunted Seattle. The Eagles were coming off a 7-9 “meh” season, then last year ended in a parade (and horse poop eating) even without their franchise QB on the field!

So there’s nothing stopping these Alex Smith-led Redskins from surprising everybody else. The only one who won’t be suprised is themselves. Oh yeah, they really think they are “alot” better going into this year. Ummm hmmmm. The team seems convinced they are better at every position (isn’t that the usual feeling for all 32 teams!?) and won’t have that disingenuous nerd Kirk, cautiously padding his stats for a big payday.

Oh no, don’t scoff at that. There is an overwhelming vibe in that building that Kirk – his contract stalemate, and his overly cautious trigger finger that left tons and tons of exquisitely designed Jay Gruden yardage rotting like uneaten meat in the All-22 film room – WAS *THE* PROBLEM last year.

That, and well… you know…. “injuries.”

I cringe every time I hear a Redskins coach, front-office person, player, or fan/apologist talk about “all the injuries.” I mean, we’re all grown ups here, right? How long have YOU been watching this league? Injuries happen, and happen some more, and they happen in ways in which the injury demon clearly says every single year “I. Do. Not. Give. A. Fuck. About. Your. Precious. Roster.”

Some of the most injured teams, at the most important positions, have gone on to win it all. And they never talk about injuries. Yet it seems we talk about them all the time here in Redskinsland. So here’s some quick thoughts before training camp opens at the end of this week.

  1. Jordan Reed is not going to “stay healthy.” Period. I’m putting him down for 10 starts. And you know what, we can make a chicken sandwich out of that. Anything less is going to be trouble.
  2. I’m going to wait until Derrius Guice has his first 100 yard game to start proclaiming him better than Todd Gurley or Le’Veon Bell. Don’t get me wrong, he appears to be the most talent we’ve drafted high at RB in a long, long time. But show me something first.
  3. Ya’ll do know Alex Smith was called “checkdown charlie” derisively by Chiefs fans up until just this past season when his YPA jumped nearly a full yard over his 4 year average as a Chief? He had explosive home run threats in Tyreke Hill and Kareem Hunt. Just because Jay is saying Alex will take chances Kirk refused, doesn’t mean it’ll actually happen. Let’s see.
  4. The secondary is a massive gamble. Josh Norman is a full throttle guy who competes and plays hard, but is starting to get hurt more often doing it. Orlando Scandrick at the other corner, is .. well, a bad idea. It’s up to 3rd round CB Fabian Moreau and 4th round S Montae Nicholson to press up into starters to save this unit.
  5. Josh Doctson is out of excuses. The team sees massive upside still with this former first rounder, and I hope they are right. I’m skeptical, however, despite his odd statistical season last year. He caught a team-high 6 TDs, but only had 35 catches on 78 targets, a dismal sub-.500 catch rate.

There’s genuine excitement on defense, where on paper – assuming first round picks play like first round picks – we’ll have the best front-7 in town that we’ve had in years. It might even be enough to make up for a suspect back end. I really DO like Alex Smith, although I think he’s only a slight upgrade over Cousins. The bonus comes from Smith’s running ability, which is good enough that Gruden might actually run a lot more zone-read stuff than he ever has. And if Guice is good, and Jay decides he’s okay with running the football (I’ll have to see it to believe it), then this Redskins team can win 10 games, 11 if they catch a bounce.

The downside is probably 4-12 if certain players don’t materialize as blue-chippers (Doctson, Guice, Payne) and previously counted-upon stalwarts of this team (Trent Williams, Ryan Kerrigan, and Reed) have their seasons actually cut short by injury. If that happens, look out. It’ll be a long ugly year wondering why we just spent $94 million on a 34 year old QB when the team needs to be in rebuilding mode.

 

“I Had This Crazy Dream About Tiger The Other Day….”

For a dreamy, amazing hour or so, we all time travelled back to the year 2000 at the British Open. Tiger Woods, in a blood red shirt and ink black pants, stood atop the leaderboard on the back nine on Sunday at a major. Hitting shots nobody else hits. Perhaps the greatest win in golf history was about to be written, by a guy who just 14 months ago was gorked out on goofballs, crashed in his car at the side of the road in Nowhereville Florida, unable to swing a club. Everybody thought: “This…. is… happening!” Then, it all disappeared, like a fever dream. John Ronis, my former swing instructor and co-host of “The Capital Golf Gang” joins me today to dissect where and how it came apart.

Players In Clubhouse Back Josh Hader, Fans Give Standing Ovation

“No one condoned the racist, homophobic and misogynist words in his tweets and most expressed disappointment in the relief pitcher. But there was no anger, no indignation, no sharp rebuke. Not a single Hader hater in the bunch.”

 

  1. Brewer Fans Willing to Give Hader Benefit of the Doubt
  2. The Oakland A’s Are Packing The House. Yes…. OAKLAND!
  3. Vikings O-Line Coach Tony Sparano Dies Suddenly at 56
  4. ESPN’s Matt Vasgersian Throws Inside on In-Park Bachelorette Parties
  5. Wesley Bryan Says Francesco Molinari Has Retirement Figured Out
  6. The Single Best Hit A Dolphin Has Made In Over 8 Years
  7. Whew! Clay Matthews’ Face Appears to Be Repaired
  8. Don’t Leave Your Cell Phone With Skanks At A Bar
  9. Starbucks Plastic Straw Ban, Will End Up…. Using MORE Plastic!
  10. Texas Lawyer Fights the Good Fight on $75 Speeding Camera Ticket

Go Ahead “Iron Man”, Lemme Hold Your Beer. You Got This!

“The suit is powered by five micro gas turbines that use four litres of fuel per minute to keep a standard-sized human afloat. Each turbine provides an estimated 22 kilograms worth of thrust, but potential pilots are warned to hover just off the ground for safety reasons.”

 

  1. Welcome To The Age of Real Life Iron Man (Ho-lee S***!!!!!)
  2. Brittany Lincicome Plays vs. Men. Does Anybody Care?
  3. FedEx Makeover: New Nachos, Fewer Seats, and a “Pavilion.”
  4. Alabama Football Hit With Suspension!** (Well, their Twitter, at least..)
  5. The Sports Media Continue to Think They Are Experts in CTE
  6. WFAN Rocked With Lawsuit, Allegations of “Frat House” Culture
  7. Reddit Guy Has Some Great Commercial Ideas for Mike Trout
  8. Domino’s Bucks Trend, Now Wants to OPEN Tons More Stores!
  9. Steven A. Smith Keeps Getting Promoted, Still Not Happy
  10. Jimmy Garappolo Takes Hardcore Porn Star on Date

MLB Commissioner to Mike Trout: Get Out More!

“If he wants to engage and be more active in that area, I think we could help him make his brand really big,” Manfred said. “But he has to make a decision that he is prepared to engage in that area, and it takes time and effort.”

 

  1. Angels Make Staunch Defense of Star In Face of Commissioner Criticism
  2. Ian Woosnam: Let’s Get Nuts! Tear Up Old Course, And Build A New One!
  3. Cubs Star Yu Darvish Mansion Fence Meets HOA Objections
  4. Baseball Helmet “C-Flap” Controversy in Youth Baseball
  5. Weinstein Lawyer: Judd Had Creepy Agreement With Pervy Boss
  6. Goliath Grouper Makes Light Snack of Shark On Fishing Line
  7. Deadliest Catch Edgar Hansen Admits Charges of Sexual Abuse of Minor
  8. “Shade Balls” Are The Latest Epic Fail of Good Intentions, And Bad Math
  9. Parents Behaving Badly: Youth Sports’ Worst, Caught on Video
  10. “Who Told You To Put the Cheese On?”

 

“One Of The Most Stupid Things In Golf”

When Jean Van De Velde melted down like Velveeta on a hot sidewalk in July at the British Open, even the announcers were agog. Listen to the “back story” on that infamous hole with Mike Tirico and Curtis Strange who were there that day. I chat with Andy Pollin about the MLB All-Star game which managed to dodge the rain, and extra innings. Phew! Oh, and the AL still owns this thing. The scourge of Vertical Video is only gaining strength.

 

“Aaron Rodgers Has 40/40 Vision”

Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers is hit by Vikings outside linebacker Anthony Barr after throwing a pass in the first quarter Sunday. Rodgers broke his collarbone on the play. Mark Hoffman/ Milwaukee Journal Sentinel Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers (12) is hit by Minnesota Vikings outside linebacker Anthony Barr (55) breaking Rodgers collarbone during the first quarter of their game against the Minnesota Vikings Sunday, October 5, 2017 at U.S. Bank Stadium in Minneapolis, Minn. MARK HOFFMAN/MILWAUKEE JOURNAL SENTINEL [Via MerlinFTP Drop]

How much would Aaron Rodgers make on the true “open market” and how long does he want to play? Short answers: “We’ll never know.” And “40”. Maybe. Unless 45 becomes the new 40. The Big 920’s Drew Olson tells us why covering the All-Star Game is anything but “fun” for grizzled beat reporters. Elon Musk gets into silly rock fight on Twitter, that might turn expensive.

All Star Moment We Never Forget: Pete Rose v. Ray Fosse

“That’s something people will continue to talk about, whether they were alive at the time or watched the video and see the result,” Fosse said. “There have been some harder hits. Just the fact it was an All-Star Game, they always vote on the All-Star game highlights or lowlights and that always seems to be at the top that people talk about.”

Ray Fosse’s Shoulder STILL Hurts From That Collision

Top Moments in All-Star Game History

Aaron Rodgers Has 40 On His Mind, Hopefully With Packers

Ben McAdoo: No Ragerts About Benching Eli Manning

Swimsuit Model Breastfeeds on Runway

Michael Irvin Disapproves of T.O. Skipping HOF Ceremony

Harper Might Have Saved His Free Agency With HR Derby Show

Bloody Horns 8: Wisconsin’s Most Sadistic Scramble Continues!

If you play golf, chances are, you are entered into at least one or two charity scrambles every year. Either by choice, or by conscription by lesser players who know you can actually, you know, put a ball in play and thus are crucial to the foursome. There is nothing wrong with these events. They raise millions upon millions every year for very worth causes, without so much as a squeal from participants who are too drunk/sunburnt to even care about the money.

In fact, I’m playing in the biggest one of those in the state of Wisconsin the day before my event: The Bob and Brian Open.

So when I started this event 8 years ago, I decided I wanted it to be the “un-scramble.” In other words, I wanted it to be HARD. Like, psycho-bitch hard. But in a fun way. I said: “Let’s play somewhere awesome, and go all the back to the back of the back back tees! And tuck all the pins!”

And let’s get GOOD swag to give all the players. And let’s make the first prize very cool (2 nights lodging in Vegas next spring with me and the crew for CzabeVegas and gambling on college hoops!). And let’s make it so you never worry about getting cheated by making it a 2-person scramble, not four. And let’s say once you make a double, you pick up (the horns!) and move on, so it doesn’t take 6 hours to get around.

Well, I pretty happy with how this thing has grown and evolved. It’s a fun day. A different day. And I appreciate everybody who has played in the event so far. But I need to make a good hard push to get to a “full field” of 100 players. (I could jam more of you guys out there on a shotgun start, but I don’t want to make this a death march.)

Right now we have 43 out of 50 teams signed up. So let’s go!

It’s really easy, just swing by www.bloodyhorns.com and click the button!

If you want any more inducement, look at the cool custom coin/ball marker we have commissioned for this year: Captain America! Patrick Reed! All you and your partner need to do to get this coin, is to wear matching shirts. Not “close” but matching! Why? Because you are a team, dammit! You look sharp, and my pictures of the event really pop!

Also, everybody who hits a par-3 in regulation gets this custom logo mug! Let’s see if anybody can “hit for the cycle” and take home all-4!

You get a insulated logo tumblr with a Vokda/Red Bull to get you going!
You get a buffet dinner afterwards.
You get a photo with me (smile!)
And the top-7 teams get to take home a game used pin flag suitable for mounting on your trophy wall!

Thanks for supporting the event! Tell a friend or two at your club, and I’ll see you on Saturday afternoon July 28th at The Bull at Pinehurst Farms!

 

 

 

 

CzabeCast: “Blokes On A Plane”

What’s it like to watch a World Cup match between England and Columbia while FLYING TO London from the states with half a plane full of drunken Nigels rooting on the home team? Epic. KFAN and Fanball’s Paul Charchian reports, you decide. EA Sports NCAA football being kept alive by hardcore gamers. Our sub-reddit is born!