If You Get Me An Electric Kazoo For Christmas, I Will Shoot You In the Face

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But I do highly recommend buying this for a friend or in-law who has a 10 year old son. The constant annoyance factor of a kid knocking out tunes on his Electric Kazoo is surely enough to make any parent get a visit from the rubber-room straightjacket wagon.

Yet, they sell such a thing.

Here’s my 2015 Top-10 Worst Things I Found at Hammacher Schlemmer: “German for Crap!”

10. The Best Bug Vacuum
Um, no it’s not. I bought one of these. Not enough suction to lift a single ant off the ground, much less a tenacious spider with its spidey grip off the wall. Junk.

9. Darth Vader Grill Tongs
“Hey, Pete. Look at this. WHOOSH. WHOOOOOM. Sounds like a light saber, right? Cool. Yeah. You want cheese on that burger?”

8. Yankee Stadium Seats
I’m sorry, but $1500 for a pair of hard plastic seats you would never sit in for more than 5 minutes to watch a game at home on TV? And there’s 52,323 more of theseĀ out there to be collected? RIpoff.

7. Rechargable Snow Shovel
Chances this thing runs out of juice before you are done “shoveling” the walk or driveway? 100%. Either you need a proper full power snowblower, or not. Too old and weak to shovel 3 steps? Hire somebody.

6. Climbing Wall Treadmill
Is this thing even LEGAL? How many people lost a finger, broke a leg, or got a concussion when they were market testing this torture device? Surely, there’s other ways to get in a workout.

5. Family Cycle
Oh sure, this argument machine will be hours minutes seconds of fun for the whole parts of the family. Good luck powering that beast up anything more than a 4% grade. Unless you live on the Bonneville Salt Flats, that thing will start collecting spiders in the garage almost immediately.

4. Aromatherapy Light Bulb
And I get to control it with my “smart” phone! A smelly lightbulb! Quick, where’s my wallet!!

3. Schmeckenbecker Putter
A silly name, still don’t mean it’s funny. Guaranteed to get 1 and a half groaning laughs from your foursome, the first day you break it out on the putting green. Why not just get an invisible dog as your caddy, and go for the full comedy routine?

2. Bob Ross Joy of Painting DVD
Sure, this old poof-haired hippy clown is well remembered by guys like me in our 40’s for drawing pretty little fir trees on public access TV. But I’m skeptical when it says you can paint beautiful pictures with “no artistic skill required.” I’m not sure that even makes sense.

AND… numero-uno on the list…. yes….

1. The Electric Kazoo

Surely, there are better things to give on Christmas. Like cash. Or a day off. Or a coupon for one long nap on the couch. Think hard when this catalog of stupid lands in your mailbox. Lest you suffer the same fate as Whatley in Seinfeld.

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Steve Czaban is a 25 year sports radio veteran, who hosts an afternoon drive show in Washington D.C. "Czabe" also writes and edits his own commentaries for www.czabe.com and other on-line and print publications. He can be reached at czabe@yahoo.com.

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