He Was Looking For A Veteran Who Knew The System

Jimmy Garoppolo can date whomever the hell he wants… but… man… where are your parents, bro? The news last week that he took XXX Porn Star Kiara Mia (real name: Deanne Munoz) out on a sweetheart date in LA certainly gave us in the chattering class something juicy to dish about.

It’s to my knowledge, the first time an NFL QB has officially “dated” a hard corn porn star in the modern media age. Sure, Joe Namath was a famous womanizer. Favre sent dick pics where they didn’t belong. Cutler ended up bagging Kristin Cavallari from the reality show “The Hills.” Russell Wilson finally lost his virginity (we think) to Ciara. And Brady has supermodel Giselle.

NFL starting QB’s are 32 modern day Prince Charmings on the modern sports landscape. (Joe Flacco is like Prince William, a certified doofball looker, but a prince, nonetheless!) These are not men who should be easily bagged, nor should they lower their standards to the gutter.

And Jimmy G, is certified Jimmy Gorgeous! He’s the best looker since Mark Sanchez, only he can actually play!

Bro, look at this girl. She’s got twin beanbags that must weight 40 pounds each. She’s a carnival act! Is that really your thing?

Her IMDB bio reads as follows: “Mia spent fourteen years trying to break into the mainstream prior to her involvement in the adult entertainment industry. Kiara first began performing in explicit hardcore movies in her mid-thirties in 2011.”

Now that’s the definition of a “thirsty girl!”

If the Patriots still had Jimmy G and Brady had rode off into retirement, I can certainly see where Belichick would NOT be cool with this! Hell, the Pats publicly scolded Gronk into apologizing for a mere photo taken shirtless with an aspiring 20 year old porn wanna-be wearing his #87.

The reason is simple: girls who get their tits inflated to 90 PSI and are willing to put their mouth on anything to get famous, can’t be trusted in the ultra paranoid world of the NFL. She knows the Jimmy G train isn’t going to come to a stop at “happily ever after” so she’ll ride it and work it for all it’s worth” while she’s got him on the hook.

Then, when it comes time for a dismount, she’ll make sure to do it as loudly as possible, generating the most clicks, videos, and daytime chatter on ESPN as possible. She’ll say some shit like “Jimmy has a really small dick and just couldn’t satisfy me” or “Jimmy asked me to do a 3-way with another player on the Seahawks” and who knows what else?

Then we’ll all cluck-cluck, tut-tut, fill a few radio segments and move on. But it’ll be Garappolo and the Niners holding the bag of nonsense thrown in their laps in the middle of a 3 game losing streak, with Jimmy G maybe having the worst numbers of his young career so far.

In short, NFL QB’s are like mini-corporations, who must serve as the face of hope and stability for their team’s future. They don’t have time to “manage the crazy” of somebody who starred in “Bra Busters 4” “Big Wet Butts” and “MILF Fantasies.”

Besides, Jimmy. She’s 41. Smarten up, and move along, unless you really plan on bringing her home for the holidays.