I figured I’d start a new feature here where I touch on a number of different things that have happened over the weekend in sports, and well… everything else. I think it’ll be pretty groundbreaking really. I checked around. Nobody else on the internet does this. Not a single site will actually aggregate notable news ite… hold on… wait… I’m just getting this in my ear… what? EVERYBODY does it? Awww…. well… at least mine will be… mine. You will GET my bite sized pieces of commentary and opinion, whether you like it, or not! (and hell, you are reading this now. Of course you like it, and you want it!)
Eli Manning’s Parking Lot Used Helmets
Ol’ Derpface Eli just won the NFL’s Walter Payton Man of the Year Award for working with sick kids in hospitals. I guess he’s the only one in sports who does that. Eli Manning is also… a Manning. Which means he is genetically predisposed to worship money with the ferocity of Tom Cruise trying to attain “Operating Thetan Level 8” status. Eli’s daddy is a money whore. Eli’s older brother Peyton is a money whore (see the pimping for his pizza franchises and beer distributors WHILE he was still on the field after winning the Super Bowl). And even Eli Manning’s older brother Cooper is a money whore. Cooper, as we all know by now, was JUST AS GOOD as the other two at playing QB, but sadly was diagnosed with spinal stenosis and had to quit football at Ole Miss before he even played a down. Now Cooper is a partner for a so-called “energy investment boutique”… whatever the fuck that is. Money whores. The whole lot of ‘em. And now Eli has been caught red-handed, telling his equipment manager via an AOL account email to forward non-game-used helmets as just that to collectors. It’s never enough, is it Eli? Of course the only fair thing to do is suspend him for 8 games for a blatant “equipment violation” and for tarnishing the reputation of “the Shield.” But, if he turns over every cell phone he’s ever owned, plus all of his Facebook passwords and submits to 3 in-person interviews in the NFL “dungeon” to Roger Goodell and his goons… well.. I guess we can offer some leniency. Four games.
Fire Phil Jackson
At this point, one has to wonder: what the hell is he good for? On Friday Jackson offered up a “hey man, wasn’t me” year-end presser to the Knick faithful (seriously, what Knick fan has any of that left at this point?) and also dared to point out that maybe it’s time to move on from Carmelo Anthony. Now, as a point of fact: duh. Of course the Knicks should get out of the Carmelo business. However as a point of procedure and GM/player etiquette, it was a real fart in an elevator statement. For one, it drew a rebuke from the NBAPA, as they pointed out how players are forbidden from discussing playing for other teams while under contract, so why shouldn’t the same apply to team management? Secondly, the Carmelo-friendly media painted it as a tone-deaf “diss” of a great player and Olympic gold medal winner, despite the fact that ‘Melo just doesn’t make anybody around him better. Carmelo Anthony is a great NBA star, mostly because he can score and the media loves him. It’s like how Sofia Vergara is labelled as “hot” even thought I’ve never seen her do anything remotely sexy or interesting. I don’t see it. I never will. But that said, it takes a real incompetent phony like Phil Jackson to make me feel even a tinge of sympathy for ‘Melo. And he just did. Fire this pretentious fuck, James Dolan. What are you waiting for?
Capitals Showing Early Choke Signs
Look, I’m no dummy. The entire DC area is on edge this spring with our hockey team, because if they manage to throw away another regular season “Best Team in Hockey” banner by getting tight and playing like pussies in these best-of-sevens, it’ll be “let’s melt the rink, and drain it into the Potomac river and never ever play ice hockey again” time. But then again, I am getting more than mildly annoyed at how so many fans are making it about them and how nervous they are. Enough about you. What about the team and the series we are currently in? This Leafs team is young and frighteningly fast. The Caps are playing some nice tic-tac-toe hockey that is mostly resulting in shots getting gobbled up by this Danish sasquatch named Frederik Anderson. The guy is 6-4, 250. Goalie. And he moves like a cat. Fuck that noise. The Caps need volume shooting and bunch of guys willing to crash the net and get greasy goals. I still think we’re okay. Caps in 6.