You Are Not Allowed to Watch the New Star Wars Movie Until You See This!

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In this day and age, it’s damn near impossible to get a stranger to sit and watch a 9 minute YouTube video on the promise of “no, really, this is GOOD… just give it a chance!”

But I am going to give it a shot.

Hell, if there’s no other selling point, then just look at the view totals: 6 MILLION and counting! I know there are legions upon legions of Star Wars nerds out there, so perhaps 6 million views isn’t say much. (Note: I am not one, although I don’t look down upon anyone that is full-blown Star Nerd. I am what you could call an “enthusiast” of the series.)

Still, it’s a must watch for two reasons: 1) The dude who wrote it/voiced it, has exactly my kind of withering sarcasm and humor. Exceptionally well played. 2) He chronicles EXACTLY how and why the Star Wars pre-quels sucked so bad.

On the one hand, George Lucas is a genius because he came up with the whole Star Wars concept in the first place, and did pioneering work in both special effects and in the story itself to make it worth a staggering $4 billion when he sold it to Disney.

On the other hand, what a complete douchebag he was to think that Episodes I, II, and III were anything less than a steaming pile of shit in front of a computer green screen.

I found myself actually watching ALL of the Phantom Menace review in one sitting. An astounding 1 hour  9 minutes – ON YOUTUBE! Now that’s saying something.

And not to spoil anything, but somewhere along the way in that hour-plus, there’s actual footage of Lucas and his team of yes-men and boot-lickers watching a screening of the Shit-tastic Phantom Menace in his private theater.

When the lights come up, Lucas nervously talks about some elements of the movie that he’s maybe not quite sure of, and you’ll never guess: nobody speaks up to say: “You know George, this SUCKS. We need a better fucking SCRIPT! Forget digitally animating a 5,000 unit clone army, and give us somebody in this thing to fucking ROOT FOR!”

Nope. The yes-men and boot-lickers are clearly aware that Lucas had become a vengeful billionaire dickhead after he sold a trillion Boba Fett dolls, and that there’s no way he actually wanted sensible creative input on these films.

So it’s better to be on the inside of Lucas’ tent pissing out, than on the outside, pissing in. And that kids, is how you end up with half of the existing Star Wars series as completely un-watchable.

So I’ve got high hopes for “The Force Awakens.” J.J. Abrams is a stud, and it looks like there’s an actual STORY attached to this installment. Will I camp out? No chance. But if it’s good, I’ll come back to see-it in 3D one more time.

May the force be with all of us. And thank god Lucas was told to “beat it” when he wanted to “consult” on this new installment.

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Steve Czaban is a 25 year sports radio veteran, who hosts an afternoon drive show in Washington D.C. "Czabe" also writes and edits his own commentaries for www.czabe.com and other on-line and print publications. He can be reached at czabe@yahoo.com.

4 COMMENTS

  1. Czabe, The return to the franchise with these three movies, especially the first one you are commenting on have made the entire series unwatchable to me now. When watching the first three I am haunted by visions of that stupid Jar Jar Binks character that invades my mind because I know it does not get better, it only gets worse. Way worse. The introduction of the Jar Jar Binks character by Lucas was nothing more than a poke in the eye. Lucas was informing every single one of us that he was going to mine our wallets for the money to see this trash and then will be forced to listen to children that do not know any better wanting a stupid Jar Jar doll. He would be on signs, advertising, cups, t-shirts, you name it. The character was nothing more than a marketing ploy and we were the suckers funding Lucas.

    The only way the Phantom Menace could have been redeemed and I doubt even this would have worked, would be to introduce Jar Jar and then within five minutes have the character killed in the most humiliating fashion whatsoever and exercised from our collective minds. Perhaps sucked out of a galactic toilet into the nether regions of space, that might have done it. Then at least we could all agree he was the worst character in the history of cinema and thankfully his end came about quickly.

  2. The Plinkett reviews for the other two prequels and the JJ Abrams Star Trek are all fantastic too. The direct website is redlettermedia.com. Even their reviews (Half in the Bag) that aren’t done by the Plinkett “character” are always good.

  3. I’m watching all 6 before seeing Ep. 7 next week. Going through this right after watching Ep. 1 was fortuitous timing on my part. A MUST WATCH! Funny, sarcastic, truthful…beautiful. Great recommendation, Czabe. Thanks.

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