Bill Belichick Isn’t Just In The Heads of The Rest of the League, He Owns an Oceanfront Mansion There!

At this point, it’s downright hilarious. And I’m not even a Patriots fan. Just somebody who has come to appreciate that Darth Hoodie is playing chess, while just about every other coach is flipping the checkers board over in frustration.

So yeah, this week kicked off with twin pieces by ESPN.com and SI.com about those no-good cheater, Cheatriots.

The ESPN article included a stunner of a claim, that “low-level” Pats employees were Swiper-No-Swiping! opening play-sequences from other teams right out of their lockeroom at Foxboro.

Oh. Realllllyyyy?

On the one hand, if somehow true (extremely dubious) then you have to invoke the SNL bit about Mike Vick hiding his weed in his water bottle at the TSA checkpoint.

Really? You leave the MOST CRUCIAL document for a game the next day, OUT of your personal control, and laying around unsecured in a visitors lockeroom? Really? You couldn’t/wouldn’t just fold that paper up and take it with you? Really? It’s a playsheet, not a refrigerator.

But okay, so maybe it happened. You then decided to PLANT FAKE PLAYSHEETS instead? Really? Didn’t want to set up a camera or anything? Maybe have one of your own “low-level” staffers stuff himself into a locker, and lie in wait to catch ’em red handed? Really?

This anecdote, if remotely possibly true, would not or could not have been BURIED some 2,000 words into the ESPN.com piece. If remotely possibly true, then the NFL wasted way too much time and money on a speeding ticket (DeflateGate) and never even blinked at a homicide (playsheet stealing).

Of course, you’ll recall ESPN’s “Outside the Lines” reported that the Saints Mickey Loomis had wiredtapped the Superdome in order to snoop on other teams coaches.

Loomis was cleared of any wrongdoing after a four-month investigation by the state police.

So yeah, “ESPN is reporting…” that’s a punchline, right?

Now we’ve got HeadsetGate. Nice rant, Mike Tomlin. Now try to stay on the sidelines, okay?

Never mind the fact that NFL supplies the headsets for the game, AND monitors the frequencies….. WE KNOW THE PATRIOTS ARE CHEATING!

Never mind the fact you can easily Google-search dozens of other instances where teams are CONVINCED the home team is MUCKING with their headsets! (Geezuz, why does everybody have such faith that ANY wireless system is going to work flawlessly all the time? Wake up!)

One time, Santana Moss accused the Buccaneers of cheating. Yeah, you read that right.

“The whole drive was a little complicated,” Griffin said afterward. “In practice, every week we always practice me calling the plays in two-minute acting as if the headset goes out. The funny thing was the headset did go out on that drive.”

Wide receiver Santana Moss refused to blame the lack of communication on technology, insinuating foul play by pretending to pull an imaginary plug out of the wall.

Moss also suggested it wasn’t a one-time occurrence.

The fact that accusations keep coming up against New England, isn’t so much that they are true, but rather that they are the team everybody is CONVINCED is evil and devious. It reminds me of the sniper ordeal here in DC, where “authorities” said to be on the lookout for a white unmarked van, because those who heard the sniper gunshots, all swore there was a white van in the area at the the time.

The problem? Plain white vans are perhaps the most ubiquitous vehicle in urban/suburban areas, and they are easily noticed. And yeah, the sniper vehicle was not, in fact, a white van. Oops.

It’s as logical as Monty Python’s Holy Grail scene: “She’s a witch! Burn her!”

Witches burn. That means they are made of wood. Wood floats, so do ducks.

I say if Bill Belichick weighs the same as a duck, then yeah, kick him out of the league. In the meantime, every other team should spend less time on counter-ops, and more time drawing up a better gameplan for Brady.