Today was a glorious day for the Replay Resistance movement. The oppressive regime of “rules nerds” and machines suffered several humiliating defeats in front of the eyes of Football America.
In short, I have never been more sure of our eventual victory. One day, “Instant Replay” will be voted out of the NFL. Mark my words.
The people who will scoff at me on this, are the same ones who scoffed at my notion that replay got almost as many calls “wrong” as they fixed. Even those die hards are starting to recalibrate their preconceived notions about replay’s actual value in making our football games more good and fair and right and yeah…. better. Unhgh! Take that!
Catch or no catch? pic.twitter.com/tYotvL6jhl
— CBS Sports (@CBSSports) December 18, 2017
Let’s start with a basic premise few people want to even ask, much less answer: “Who says every call has to be right?” Since when has ANY sports fan of more than 5 minutes in their life thought that officials dont fuck up at least a handful of times every game, in every sport that involves a referee?
These are, after all, just GAMES people. For our enjoyment! Was the ending of the Steelers-Patriots game FUN for anybody? Sure, Pats fans were HAPPY, but that’s different from it being FUN.
They should add the Jesse James play and eventual reversal to the end of that DirecTV commercial about people who get excited about stupid little shit in life happening to them. (Wet grocery bags? YESSSS!)
The reason we “don’t know what a catch is anymore” is because the league has tried to keep writing the rulebook to accomodate microscopic advances in replay technology. The notion of “surviving the ground” on catches did not exist in the 1980’s. A catch was akin to pornography: you know it when you see it.
The league will likely try to keep writing and re-writing the rules to prevent these disasters, but guess what: it’ll fail. Because the level of video precision and techno-prowess we have now, is the WORST it’ll ever be in our lifetimes. It’ll start getting so good, your head will hurt trying to figure out where does a player’s “shin” begin to figure out if he was “down?” You’ll be staring at 3 fucking little crumblet’s of rubber turf infill that flew in the air, and have to ask yourself…. “did his TOE do that, or was is the WHOOSH of his foot flying by?”
I am not kidding. This is coming. It’s only a matter of time.
The NFL requires (for speed purposes) to use very CRUDE judgements on all kinds of things -holding, pass interference, spotting the football et. al. – because to microscopically try to make all of these calls “right” would expand games to 5 hours or more.
So now that replay only expands games by about 10-15 minutes, the perfectionist ninnies who like it, say it’s worth it because – GASP! “what if a bad call determines who gets into the playoffs or stays home!? Coaches could get fired!”).
Coaches get fired anyway! And bad calls routinely steal games from teams without any benefit of a video review. All… the… time!
Flaws, holes, and illogical double standards abound. Had James caught the ball legally, but the refs on the field ruled it incomplete, the Steelers would have had to challenge it because only “scoring plays” are automatically reviewed, not “almost scoring plays.” Which they couldn’t because they didn’t have a timeout left! But wait, they didn’t have to, because the league steps in to review all “close” plays in the final 2 minutes of each half. But what if the league didn’t think it was a “close” play? The Steelers might have stood around waiting for a replay to come, while the playclock drained out to zero causing a delay of game.
Worst of all, replay has ruined the moment in sports. And honestly, the moment is all that fucking matters. The moment of pure joy (or agony) when your team plunges the dagger of a game winning touchdown into your hated opponents back.
Now “the moment” has been reduced to sitting in a doctors office waiting to hear the results of a blood test. Oooh. Fun.
And as for the other brutal reversal today in Carolina, all I can say is that call was total bullshit. A microscopic assumption of one asscheek coming down barely inbounds before the other one landing 8 feet on the white line, why that’s the stuff of pure imagination. Alberto Riveron must have an imaginary friend who walks with him to work. A pink fluffy elephant named “Mr. Stomps” that he talks to on the elevator ride up to the TV lined mancave in downtown Manhattan from which he decides whether you just wasted 3 hours of your life with a totally horseshit call.
And Riveron is never wrong! Have you noticed that? It’s like your fucking wife is officiating every game in the NFL now! He stood by the ridiculous Austin Sefarian-Jenkins overturn, as well as the time Zach Miller nearly lost his goddamn leg!
To all of the technocrats and “fair-ies” who still defend the value of replay, turn in your red flags now and you shall be shown mercy. To everybody else, you better dig in. Because your days are numbered.
The Replay Resistance is growing, and our day of glory is certain. It’s just a matter of time.