Geezus God Stop Tempting Me With Newer, More Awesome Drones


Because I haven’t crashed and ruined my old Phantom 3 yet, and if one more four-propellored toy comes through my door, my wife is going to Elin Nordegren’s divorce attorney get this party started. All that said, OH MY GOD, what a time to be living in America as a tech nerd.

The new Phantom 4 looks like it’s going to be insanely good, and damn near crash proof. Oh, sure, some asshole will crash it, likely on the front lawn of the White House. Then President PantSuit will push through criminal prosecution for anybody who even OWNS a drone, much less flies one.

They’ll start searching people’s browser history and find out I’ve been watching DJI Phantom Videos an average of 4.3 hours a day, making me a “Pre-Crime” candidate like the movie “Minority Report.”

The biggest problem I see with this Phantom, is that all the cool-ass activities it can film effortlessly…. I DO NOT CURRENTLY ENJOY.

Yeah, I know. Weird, huh?

Don’t really kayak through semi-ice-covered fjords, not much into back mountain unmarked downhill skiing, been a while since I’ve skateboarded down a closed winding Pacific Coast highway, and I’m not even sure where I get a back-pack propellor powered parachute. (That guy who crashed the Riddick Bowe v. Evander Holyfield fight?)

So other than getting 4k cinematic footage of my guy Angel mowing the property with a 360 degree follow shot for 2 hours, what the hell am I going to use this thing for?

Then again, “need” is the most irrelevant of American consumerist calculations. It’s all about the “want.”

I’ll buy it, if only to entice the boys at DJI Innovations into making the Phantom 5 (due out, I am sure, sometime in early 2017!) even more insanely cool. Go ahead nerds. Make my $999 purchase of last year’s drone worthless again, I dare you!


  1. This might be a dumb question, but why not sell your other now antiquated drones and by this one. I imagine you could get a few hundred bucks for the ones you no longer would need. Surely Mrs. C couldn’t argue with that.


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