The Daily Czabe

Daily Czabe: Dear Donovan: You HAVE NO OTHER Team!

There’s nothing more American than taking sweet and easy corporate sponsorship dollars for a 5 minute endorsement shoot. Hell, it’s why Krusty the Clown once said: “I heartily endorse this product or service.” That said, this is sports, and this is soccer, and hell-to-the-naw-naw on US soccer “star” Landon Donovan taking easy Wells Fargo cash to pretend that he’ll be rooting for the USA’s biggest rival, Mexico. Oh, no. No no no…. Boo. Boo, Landon.

Landon Donovan’s Bandwagon Mexican Fandom Stirs Emotions

Bishop Bullwinkle Classic: “Hell To the Naw-Naw”

NBA’s “Cotton Pickin'” Announcer Quietly Fired in OKC

Tony Finau Has Come A Long Way Since Playing for $2M Prize in Vegas

Thank God! Kim Kardashian Won’t Rule Out Presidential Bid

A Kid After My Own Heart: Calls 911 Over Salad!

Grandmother Chokes Out Rabid Bobcat With Bare Hands: Badass!!!

Not So Lucky…. Woman Eaten Alive By Python Checking Her Garden

 

 

Daily Czabe: Animal Strong Beats Human Strong, All Day, Every Day

Being at the top of the food chain, us humans like to think we’re pretty badass. But take away our guns, knives, opposable thumbs, and understanding of science and nature… well… we ain’t shit in the brutish world of eat or be eaten. We’re not that strong, either. Not like we think. Here’s an adorable video of three buff dudes trying to pull a 2 year old lion cub off her block in a game of tug of war. Now remember: this is a CUB. Imagine how many men it would take to drag a full grown Mustafa just a few inches in a direction it didn’t want to go?

Packers Coach Winston Moss Is Annoyed At Mini-Camp Questions

Get Ready For The Ritual Attack of the Soccer Scolds

West Point Drummer Sues Fox & Friends for Axe Stunt Gone Bad

Former MLB Ace Kevin Brown, Plays Vigilante, Holds Mail Thieves At Gunpoint

Russia To JerryWorld’s Crappy Bleacher Seats: “Hold Our Beer…”

 

 

Daily Czabe: The 30-Fore-30 Treatment of Club Pro Guy’s 8-Par Streak

A little backstory is necessary on this one. About a year ago, somebody on Twitter created an account called “Club Pro Guy.” That person, almost certainly, is/was a PGA of America club professional. Not necessarily a glamour job, despite the perception from casual golfers or non golfers. Club pros, are the grinders of the golf industry, working at least 6 days a week in season, and doing a lot of tedious things like folding sweaters in the pro-shop and giving lessons to 70 year olds who can’t break 100.

But the Twitter account “Club Pro Guy” had a twist. They created a “backstory” on him. That he once played the “Mexican Mini-Tour” (doesn’t exist) and that he had very modest success. He once made “8 straight pars.” The “feat” is talked about, as if it was Tiger’s “Tiger Slam” of four majors in a row. If you play golf, you will find this guy very funny. And you need to dig back into his timeline on twitter to get some of the running jokes. The menu bar at the top of his website is a good place to start.

Golfer Beef Johnson Has A Delicious Towel

Anonymous Baseball Exec on Bryce Harper: “Selfish Losing Player”

Rafa Nadal Says Pay Tennis Purses Based on TV Viewership

Let’s Carve Up California Like A Chicken!

Argentina Prisoners To Go On Hunger Strike if They Can’t Watch World Cup

Andrew Luck Throws Little Baby Football For First Time In Months

Ottowa Senators Star Player Cyber-Bullied By Girlfriend of Teammate

Greg Hardy Knocks the F*** Out of His MMA Opponent

The Case for Jim Rome in the Radio Hall of Fame

 

 

 

 

Daily Czabe: Adorable 8 Year Old Girl Slays Zepplin Riff on Drumset

The interwebs are full of hateful, stupid, time wasting things. This, is not one of them. Being able to sit down to a drum kit and play something, anything, not resembling the noise of a guy falling down a tall flight of stairs is a cool thing. I’ve been told, I can do that. But to see a smiling 8 year old girl just dissect one of the most iconic drum beats in rock-n-roll history with precision, is absolute gold.

8 Year Old Girl Kills It on “Good Times, Bad Times” By Led Zepplin

The Debate Is Over. Yes, Washington IS A Great Sports Town

Jon Gruden’s “QB Camp” With Now Retired Brett Favre is… Well… Awesome!

The Burden of Being LeBron Jame

LeBron’s to Direct Film Critical of NCAA

Messi and Ronaldo Still The Stars Of The World Cup, Despite Never Winning It

Seattle Abruptly Figures Out Random $275 “Head Tax” Is Probably A Bad Idea

 

 

Daily Czabe: Lavar Ball’s Half-Ass Amateur Basketball League Is Going About As Well As You Would Expect

Last summer, was the Summer of Lavar Ball. Bored in the doldrums, most of the media lapped up this screw-loose blowhard in the lead-up and the aftermath of the NBA Draft. This summer, with a potential 2nd child going pro (don’t hold your breath) the budding basketball entrepreneur is getting his JBA league off the ground. And well, it’s getting off the ground about as well as a dead body. Now is when ol’ Lavar Ball NEEDS the free airtime. Yet, it seems most everybody realizes he’s a carnival barker whose own carnival left him on the side of the road two towns ago.

Lavar Ball’s Startup Basketball League Not Exactly Selling Like Hotcakes

“Dog One is Now Open! Repeat… Dog One Is Now Open!” Delaware Opens Legal Sports Betting

Keith Olbermann Takes Aim at NBC Hockey Coverage With Dale Jr. Appearance, Stupid Twitter Fight Breaks Out

Vegas City Officials Busted Pre-Planning Parade Route Options

Yes! Jerry Reed Also Did A “Westbound and Down!”

Teen Girl Learning to Drive, Kills Two Men In… PARKING LOT!

Drunk Driver Takes Nap…. In Middle of Road!

Pastor Killed By Croc During River Baptism: That’ll Teach Ya!

Golfer Beaten With Clubs After Asking to Play Through

Fellow Designer Kenneth Cole Feels the Twitter Mob’s Wrath

 

 

 

Daily Czabe: Spending Too Much Time On Your Phone? There’s Now An App For That!

We live in strange times. What if I had told you back in the flip phone era, that someday these things we once just used for the sole purpose of calling people, would become such addictive miniature touch-computers, that they would have to design them in a way that ends up preventing you from over-using it? Nuts, right? But here we are, as Apple has promised to roll out a new app called “Screen Time” in September that will help users monitor and limit usage. But before you sing “hallelujah” just yet, consider this. There is already a 3rd part app called “Moments” which does basically the same thing. And…. their data showed that users only shaved about 2 minutes off their phone/tablet usage a day! Bah! Well, I guess it’s a start, right?

Apple: Using Our Phones Too Damn Much? Well, We’re Creating An App For That!

High School Athletes Suspended… For Smoking Graduation Cigars??

Texas’ $60M High School Football Stadiums Full of Shitty Concrete!

The WWE Is A Cash Printing Machine

Solo Crashing: “This Is Not How The Force Works”

Of Course That Little Weasel Mark Zuckerberg Lied to Congress

Dumb Ways to Die: Shark Ate My Penis, Now I’m Dead

Miss America Pageant Scrapping Swimsuit Competition, Evening Gowns

Feminist Comics: “I’d Rather Be Called A C*** Than Ma’am”

Report: Fewer Than 10 Eagle Players Were Going to White House Anyway

Too Much News Can Make You Sick… Literally, Sick

 

 

 

 

Daily Czabe: Bare Knuckle Fighting Is Back!

Just what civilized society didn’t ask for: a new blood sport, with guaranteed blood and a damage! Now let’s bring back limitless rounds, and “fight to the death” matches while we’re at it! Heck, maybe we can have Bear Baiting and Dwarf Tossing as warm-up acts?

Professional Bare Knuckle Boxing Returns After 120 Years

Who Threw That Crab!?

Capitals Pre-Game Hype Video: “Our City, Our Team, Our Time”

Michael Jenkins New Hit: “It’s Okay To Believe, When You’re Reppin’ DC”

The NFL’s New Helmet to Helmet Rules: Further Explained

Johnny Knoxville Is Back, Still Doing His Own Insane Stunts

Russian Soccer Hooligans Head to the Woods

 

Daily Czabe: Lucas Glover’s Wife Goes HAM After Bad Round

I don’t know what you see, but when I look into that woman’s beady little evil eyes, I see somebody who is thinking “as soon as I get out of this police station and get back home again, I am going to rip my pussy husband a new asshole for being a little bitch and calling the police on me.”

So I guess this is an instructional case of how domestic violence can go both ways, huh kids? Poor Josh Brown of the NY Giants did nothing more than yell at his wife’s son and grab her wrist briefly, next think you know she’s ringing 911 off the hook and his career is over.

Not only is this unhinged Xanax harpie not going to lose her career – she has none, other than spending Lucas’ golf money – but it looks like she’s made a proper calculation of the size of Lucas’ nutsack: size… small! He’s already making excuses for her, and not going to press charges.

Fuck all that, man. This bitch is in severe need for a hard life lesson. She attacked a guy playing a maddeningly difficult sport, where there’s no guaranteed money, for one bad round. Then on the eve of Mother’s Day, savagely attacked her mother-in-law, all while the kids were (not) sleeping upstairs.

Then just in case anybody thought they could top her high score of psycho, she goes spider monkey in the cop car, tells the police this is “why they get shot in the face” and wait until the Tour hears about this, YOU are in sooooo much trouble.

There’s no redeeming this one, Lucas. Take the L and move on. You deserve better, and so do the kids.

DAILY LINKS

Baseball Player Sues Coach Who Told Him… To Slide

Poor Babies: Buck and Aikman WILL Have to Work… 2 Games A Week

Hawks PG Dennis Schroder Ask for Trade in the Most Millenial Way Possible

Woman Charged With Stalking Online Boyfriend After Texting Him 65,000 Times

Gruesome Flesh Eating Death: By Days Inn Hot Tub

New Kansas Law: No Police Sex With Traffic Stop Motorists. Bad Form…

“And YOU Get To Be A Cheerleader, and YOU Get To Be….”

Go Ahead: Piss On The Open Wound on My Finger: I Dare You!

A Brief Timeline of Bi-Ped Robots

 

Daily Czabe: Let The Gambling Floodgates Open!

Just how big will legalized sports wagering in America be upon full roll out? Big. Very big. In fact… YUGE. Wizards owner Ted Leonsis, who has been rabidly pro-gambling for a while now, tells CNBC the market could be bigger than Wall Street. And given the fishy nature of how some companies report earnings, hide bad company news, etc. – while letting investors and institutions “bet” on those companies’ futures – then maybe betting on an NBA game is a more honest proposition. Maybe. Now the wheels are in motion on how to regulate all of this new activity, and I would predict it’ll be a rough ride at first.

SI.com’s Michael McCann Walks Through All The Implications/Next Steps In “The Process”

The NFL Will Come Crying Poor to Congress For Gambling “Integrity Fees”

Eli Manning Settles Memorabilia Fraud Case, Now Goodell… Suspend His Ass! Six Games!

Researchers Have New Theory on Stonehenge. Hint: It’s Boring

Champion Mountain Biker To Retire…. Due To … Pollen?

This Is Not How To Make the NBA: Threaten The Commissioner

Defensive Shifts Are Getting Way Out of Control In MLB

Don’t Try To Zing Jason Duffner On His “Bad” Putting

NCAA Sees More Dollar Signs In…. Player Data?

 

 

 

 

Daily Czabe: MMA as Human Cockfighting? Nahhh…..

At UFC 224 there was a girl fight as part of the card. And hey, more power to the gals. But this one went pretty south, pretty quick. As this poor gal you see here, was losing soundly after 4 rounds, and wanted to tap out and not come out for the 5th round. Her “corner” gave her the big ol’ “come on girl, dig deep! You can’t quit now!” and basically pushed her out there to get murdered so more. Well, she ended up in the hospital. Chat amongst yourselves.

Daily Czabe Links

Bullpen Racoon Captured! Film at 11

The Sixers Adding BOTH LeBron AND Kawhi Leonard? Overkill? Nah….

Robot Dragon Catches Fire at Disneyworld. Move Along Folks, Move Along

Monster Energy Is The Devil’s Drink! (You Knew That, Right?….)

And They Laughed When I Said… “Robot Football” Is The Only Savior to Human Football

College Males Starting to Figure Out: “Beat Her To the Rape Button!”

Sage Steele and Kevin Neghandi Get Permanent 6 p.m. SportsCenter Spot

Over/Unders For Rookie QB Starts!? Oh Boy, Let Me At Them!

Super Golf Nerd Bryson DeChambeau Talks Putting Science

 

 

Daily Czabe: Phil Mickelson Tries to Popularize Terrible Golf Shirt

They say in style “to each his own.” On the other hand, years of informal experimentation usually end up producing the best garment for the job. In the case of golf, a sport usually played during hot (sometimes blazing!) summer months, the best garment is a loose fitting short sleeve shirt, with a collar and 3 buttons.

It is not, a dress shirt.

Yet here’s Phil Mickelson, pushing ahead with a shirt sponsorship that is 100% dead-on-arrival. Even if you believe that “any publicity is good publicity” I have a hard time seeing anybody getting what they want out of this marketing agreement.

The best I can see, is a regular foursome buying one of these shirts to make their weekly loser wear the following week on the course. A kind of “punishment” shirt to keep everybody grinding. Good luck Phil! Terrible idea! Looks great on you!

Mike Myers Wants to Do Austin Powers Sequel From Dr. Evil’s Perspective

New Upstart Pay Sportswriting Site, Hires Tired Old Overpaid Hack

Yankee Fan Idiots Are Still Interfering With Home Run Balls in The Outfield

Wow, Look at that Huge Shark…. Wait… What The Hell Are Those ABS!?

Tristan Thompson Doin’ That New Father Thing With Chloe. Cheating? What Cheating?

Brad Stevens Got Exactly the Number of Coach of Year Votes He Deserved: ZERO

Antonio Cromartie Retires, All 14 of His Kids Join Him For the Party…. Well… Most of Them…

“Sniff… sniff… Is That A Burrito I Smell… Or Exploded Urine?”

Oregon State Pitcher, Former Convicted Child Molestor, Faces Uncertain Future

Former Duke Basketball Player Wendell Carter’s Mom Goes To the Ol’ “Slavery Well”

 

 

Daily Czabe: Get Ready to “Rock the Neutral”

Former Bullets executive Susan O’Malley once bragged into her microphone at a Michael Jordan introductory press conference with the Wizards “My house…  my rules” when cutting off a reporter. And yeah, she’s not wrong. Pro sports teams can pretty much make whatever rules do not cross any local or federal laws when it comes to what is allowable inside their building.

Well, the Tampa Bay Lightning have an edict that any opposing fans sitting in their high end “Lexus Lounge” seats and those against the glass may NOT wear their teams colors. Not even if there’s no logo on that clothing. They are also “geofencing” the ability to buy tickets online from anybody outside the Tampa area.

Okay, whatever, I get it. But at some point, leagues will have to step in and say “look, we can’t stop every fan from wearing opposing gear to our building. It’s bad for business. A not insignificant number of fans travel and buy tickets for their team. We’re not just gonna throw that money away.”

I know that it does suck when this happens to your team, at home. We in DC have regularly seen FedEx Field taken over by Steeler, Cowboy, Eagle, Giant… and well… just about every team outside of Titans fans! The only solution: win, and stuff it up their ass on the way out of town!

Marvin Jones Jr. Stuffs Darren Rovell Into Virtual Gym Locker Over Bundt Cake

Peter King Once Tried to Resign Over Deflategate Mistake, Failed

Mets Snuff Their Own 1st Inning Rally By Batting Out of Order… Because… Mets

Hey Kids, Wanna Look Into A Pandora’s Box of Artificial Speech? Come Over Here…

Kurt Warner Thought About A Comeback at 47… Then Said… “Nah”

You Want Good Volcano Porn? Here’s Some Vintage Shit from the 70’s!

Tom Brady Sez Giselle Dressed Him Up for the Met Gala

Why Is Katie Nolan Making Over $1 Million a Year To Basically Not Appear on ESPN?

 

 

Daily Czabe: For Once, Roasted Penguin…. Is Served!

This lovely photoshop is probably made by a Penguin fan, just to remind us Caps fans that we are merely at the halfway point of the long slog to ultimately hoisting Lord Stanley above our heads in June. And that the Penguins franchise has done that FIVE TIMES already!

Still I find it gently amusing, and not even that insulting really, since Pittsburgh has indeed been our “El Guapo.” While I hope the team would never hoist such a banner in real life in our actual building (“That Time We Beat Pittsburgh… Once” – 2018) I don’t mind the “virtual” banner raising in our minds. It was such sweet, sweet relief.

Now whenever you want a smile or a pick-me-up as a Caps fan, you can just re-watch the game winner from slippery Evgeny Kuznetsov from every single camera angle NBCSN had last night. Soak it up, and enjoy!

Kuzy Game Winner vs. Pens From Every TV Angle Under The Sun

Big Ben? More Like Big Baby…. AMIRITE?

Parents Fake Kids Cancer So He Can Meet…. The Syracuse Football Team? What?

Illinois Sez: Keep Pot Illegal, Or We’re Gonna Kill All These Spectacular Police Dogs

I Told You People: “Fancy Sweats” Are the Greatest Fashion Trend in My Lifetime!

John Skipper’s Cocaine Use, Horrible TV Programming Decisions Still In Demand

“The Mountain” From Game of Thrones Makes it Official: He IS The World’s Strongest Man!

Red Sox Radical New Plate Approach: Swing More

Do New Golf Balls and Titanium Drivers Hit The Ball Farther? Uh, Yeah. Duh.

Neighborhood Bald Eagle Snacks on Dead Goose: No Biggie

Daily Czabe: LeBron James Is A Human Cheat Code

Last week in the CzabeCast, I explained that even though the debate between LeBron and Jordan is getting more narrow all the time, the adoration of Jordan over LeBron by my generation is a gap that will never be closed. But so far in these playoffs, LeBron James is wiping out teams like a one-man tsumani of stats and buzzerbeaters, that even old farts like me who have never had a “taste” for LeBron and his millenial style are being converted. In the House of James, I too, have become a witness. The running off-handed high-kiss of death that sent LeBronto into a 3-0 pit of misery (“Dilly, dilly!”) was made possible in part by ghastly coaching (really, Dwayne Casey, there was NOBODY else you would have rather shot that ball?) and also by a wet-behind-the-ears Cameroonian kid Pascal Siakam inexplicably running away from an easy double-team on James in the corner, a good 90 feet from the basket.

Still, LeBron hit the shot. Again. When it comes time to hit the damn shot…. he hits it. C-L-U-T-C-H.

Here are some of the best stats and takes from Saturday night.

The tweet about LeBron being like Tiger 2000 hits home for me, and it is why I will try to split hairs just a bit on the LeBron v. Jordan debate. I can now say without any hesitation: “LeBron James is the BEST basketball player of ALL TIME.” While ALSO holding firm that “Michael Jordan was the GREATEST player in HISTORY.”

Just like I think Tiger Woods is the best golfer to ever play the game, I still hold Nicklaus as the “greatest” player in golf history.

To me, “greatness” is a slightly different cut of meat than just being “the best.” It includes a bunch of intangibles that help a player lift his teammates, will his team to victories, maintain an edge of excellence, and otherwise carry himself with that unmistakeable “air of greatness.” LeBron with his juvenile early years (the handshake skipping, fake-coughing, miserable-life quote, The Decision, bumping Spolstra, being a front-runner, etc. etc.) weigh down his “greatness” factor. Just like Tiger’s asshole persona, lack of sportsmanship in a gentleman’s game, probable steroid usage, and disastrous tabloid scandal, keep him from ever planting his flag atop Mt. Nicklaus when it comes to true “greatness” in the game.

But oh, fuck yeah. Tiger was better. Hell yeah. Just like LeBron is better than Jordan. No doubt in my mind.

Daily Links
Meet “The Other Cavaliers” – SNL Skit

Orlando Franklin Suddenly Retires to Concentrate on Dad Things

This Is Not A Drill! The Celtics Have SIX! First Round Picks in 2018 & 2019 Combined!

Mike Franscesa, Noted Horse Racing “Expert” Wanted “No Part” of Justify On Friday

Mike McCarthy Keeps Spouting QB Nonsense From His Blowhole

Don Koharski and the “Have Another Donut” Tirade Turns 30

Technically, Licking Your Opponent – While Frowned Upon – Is Not Illegal

Bullpen Cart Sees It’s First Action Of The Season! Huzzah, Huzzah!

High School Girls Soccer Player Sues District Over Beer Party Supension

Boy Did Johnny Depp Sure Knew How To Blow Through A Mountain of Money, Or What?

Steve Martin: I Bought A Fur Sink, Electric Dog Polisher…. And Some Dumb Stuff Too

 

 

 

Daily Czabe: The Most Elegant Argument Against Replay Yet

While I have been banging the drum to kill this satan’s child of technology that has been RUINING sports for all of us out here who watch these games for enjoyment only, and not some sense of perverse desire for perfection, this is the most well articulated argument I’ve read to date. Albert Burnenko writes that the delicious syrup of sporting excitement that we have lapped up for years, has been converted into bitter tasting and toxic motor oil. Even if every replay in every sport was rendered in 10 seconds or less (fantasy) and even if every single one of them was adjudicated perfectly and with no remaining dissent amongst those who saw it (impossible) replay would STILL be a terrible idea because of what Burnenko correctly identifies: the actual play isn’t worthing cheering for, save it for the appeal.

“So now the thing that happens is, a quarterback makes a daring pass, a receiver leaps high for a spectacular, heroic, superhuman catch in the end zone, and … everybody sits around bickering for five minutes while the referees determine whether what you just saw actually happened or not. The thing you root for is not for your team to do something amazing and good, but for the referees to grant that something amazing and good happened, and you cheer or groan when that happens. The actual sports feat, the football, no longer is allowed to be the substance of the football game.”

Get Rid of Video Review

ESPN Executive: “We Didn’t Do Our Due Diligence on SC6”

Eric Reid’s Collusion Case vs. NFL Is A Longshot, But Winnable

Ernie Grunfeld Is The GM Disaster Ted Leonsis Refuses To Acknowledge

Browns Hoping Baker Mayfield Ends Their 0-29 Streak on Picking a QB

No Pressure, No Diamonds, No More Trademarks. The RG3 Brand Is DEAD.

Oh, MORE Charissa Thompson? I Approve!

GW Students Want to Change Name from Colonials (Racist!) to Hippos

When Birds Attack II: Wild Turkey Chases Golf Cart, Wins

Holy Shit Look How Close This Jumbo Jet Came to Landing on 4 Planes!