The Daily Czabe

Did John Elway’s Big Mouth Just Give Kap’s Lawyers More Ammo?

Jan 1, 2017; Santa Clara, CA, USA; San Francisco 49ers quarterback Colin Kaepernick (7) passes the football against Seattle Seahawks defensive end Frank Clark (55) during the fourth quarter at Levis Stadium Seahawks defeated the 49ers 25-23. Mandatory Credit: Neville E. Guard-USA TODAY Sports

“You know what, and I said this a while ago: Colin had his chance to be here. We offered him a contract. He didn’t take it. And as I said at my deposition—and I don’t know if I’ll be legally able to say this—but he had his chance to be here. He passed it.”

  1. When You Think You Shouldn’t Say Something… Don’t
  2. UMD’s “Bowtie Wally” Rejected Plan To Improve Athlete Treatment
  3. Notre Dame Whips Up Yankee Themed Special ALT Uni’s
  4. Joe Tessitore Charged With Re-Booting Sagging MNF Booth on ESPN
  5. Chip Kelly Rested, Ready to Come Back And Kick Some Ass
  6. ESPN Revamps “Bottom Line” Score Strip
  7. And May Beg Chris Berman To Return? Berman!?
  8. Keith Hernandez Is One Fat, Retired, Baseball Tough Guy
  9. Little League Coach Pulls Ice Cold Move, Benches Son
  10. RIP Aretha: You Made Us All “Think”

The QB World According to Jags CB Jalen Ramsey

In an interview with GQ published Wednesday, Ramsey offered candid takes on a plethora of starting quarterbacks, including a fresh batch of rookies. In a few breaths, he sang the praises of Baker Mayfield and Lamar Jackson (they do look good!), while positing that Buffalo’s new gunslinger, Josh Allen, “is trash” with a “big arm, supposedly” (1,000 percent yes!).

  1. Not Trying To Win Friends, or Influence People
  2. The Ugliest Divorce: Su’a Cravens & The Redskins
  3. Gronk Saves His Football Money, Lives off Endorsements
  4. Kentucky Derby Announcer Sues Over Trademark Call
  5. Rick Pitino Names Horse: “Party Dancer”
  6. Jay Gruden: Training Camp Mic’d Up!
  7. Only The French Would Do This
  8. Historical Comps For Top 12 Running Backs in Fantasy
  9. The Rudest Parrot….. Ever!
  10. Purple Martin 101: The Life I’ve Chosen

GM Elway Keeps Rolling Snake Eyes at Quarterback

Lynch failed to seize the starting job in each of the last two seasons after being selected No. 26 overall in 2016 out of Memphis. He was given a chance to take over for the role last November after Trevor Siemian and Brock Osweiler floundered, but he suffered an ankle injury in his first game of the year against the Raiders.

  1. When You Can’t Even Beat Out Those Chumps…
  2. Josh Norman Has Very Bad Ideas About QB Pay
  3. Keith Olbermann Calls MLB Game, People Are Mad
  4. Legal Sportsbook Set to Open :25 From My House!
  5. Maryland Tries to Stem The Bleeding on Scandal
  6. Baseball Playoff Odds: “Just tell me straight, doc, am I gonna make it?”
  7. Orcas: Assholes of The Ocean
  8. Lunatic Flies His Own Plane Into Own House
  9. Titleist To Roll Out Yellow…. ProV1’s?
  10. Talk About “Lowering the bar…” Sheesh…

The Decadent Eating Life of the Badgers Earth Movers

That might be one of the most accessible, decipherable statements from a group that communicates frequently in quotes from movies. The more obscure the reference, the better. “Nobody knows what they’re talking about except for them,” Badgers quarterback Alex Hornibrook says.

  1. Immovable Feast: Inside Wisconsin’s O-Line
  2. LeSean McCoy Sued By Ex Over Home Invasion, Robbery, Beating
  3. Florio’s Easy Fix To the Awful Helmet Rule
  4. Pour One Out For “The Anvil”
  5. Andrew Luck Shaved. It Looks Weird
  6. Isiah Thomas Apologizes for Calling Cleveland “Shithole”
  7. The PGA of America’s Blazing Hypocrisy over DUI
  8. Bruce Bowen Speaks Mind on Kawhi, Loses Clippers Gig
  9. Mark Zuckerberg Is Out of His Depth
  10. Mike Franscesa Is Doing It Again!

You Are Not Troy Polamalu. Sorry.

“It is not known how the fan made it past security, but real Steelers players quickly noticed the impostor who wore a jersey that had little resemblance to the practice jerseys the Steelers wear.”

 

  1. Steelers Uber Fan/Imposter Gets In Some Practice Reps
  2. Skins and Jets Fight Over Who Sucks More
  3. The NFL Will Have Their Worst TV Ratings In Years in 2018
  4. Jim Brown: Not A Kneeler. Go @ Him, Twitter Tough Guys
  5. Tiger Finishing Runner Up in Girlfriend Department Too
  6. Defiant Maryland Football Program Reeling After ESPN Report
  7. Tour de France Champ Beats Up Frankfurt Hooker
  8. Let’s Get Ready to Gamble!
  9. Nice Shoes, Prolly Fake
  10. Holy Shit

Justin Verlander Says Kate Upton Lifted Him Out of Depression

“She was instrumental in me not…like, jumping off a bridge,’ he said. ‘I was depressed and kind of just upset at the world and trying to hide my own shit. She was what I needed. I don’t like to talk to people about being hurt. As athletes, you’re not supposed to. It’s an excuse. … But she was someone I could talk to. I mean, basically a therapist.”

  1. I Think We Can All Agree That Motorboating Is Good Therapy
  2. Hey Ump! Get The Bug Out of Your Ear, You Idiot!
  3. Why Wasn’t Ricky Fowler’s PGA Opening Round on Live TV?
  4. Buffalo Wild Wings Wants to Be Your Bookie
  5. Cam Newton Steps To Kelvin Benjamin Before Game Over Comments
  6. Former Redskin Safety Shawn Springs Working On Safer Helmets
  7. Dez Bryant and Browns Agree To Go On A Date Together
  8. Anthem Protests Begin Again, League Remains Paralyzed
  9. Britain Under Attack From “Drunk And Irritable” Wasps
  10. It Has Come To This….

What Cities In The U.S. Have The Most “Nice” Weather Days?

“Moderately warm temperatures, at least partial sunshine, a light breeze, low humidity and no precipitation. In other words, we’re highlighting comfortable days that don’t require a jacket, when you don’t feel like you’re stepping into a sauna, and when you won’t get poured on or blown away.”

  1. Nicest Weather Cities in America
  2. Aaron Rodgers Calls WR Effort in Practice “Piss Poor”
  3. Dallas Not Real Keen on Paying ESPN $300K For Bowl Game
  4. Braves Broadcaster Catches Heat for Soto Age Question
  5. The Wrong Tommy Fleetwood Gets British Open Check for $154,000
  6. Jack-in-the-Box Tries Out Good Ol’ Testicle Humor
  7. Kelly Kapowski Was A…. Feminist?
  8. Rory: Tiger Will Need to “Re-Learn” How To Win
  9. Dennis Hof: “Bye, Bye… Brothel!”
  10. Browns WR Antonio Calloway Is An Idiot

The Real Finances Behind LeBron’s Fancy New Elementary School

“The coverage made it look like the whole thing is his,” said district spokesman Mark Williamson. “He did a lot, but taxpayers should know it’s their investment too.”

 

 

  1. Akron Taxpayers Will Pay For About 75%
  2. That’s Not A Bot… That’s Grandma!
  3. Mike Greenberg Is An Expert At Fence Straddling
  4. That Time Skip Bayless Said: Johnny Manziel > LeBron
  5. God Help Us, If The Redskins Ever Actually Build This Potato Chip
  6. DC Metro Orders All New Trains, Entire Fleet Needs Immediate Repairs
  7. Charles Oakley Is A Cheating Bitch at Poker
  8. Roanoke Times Sues Sportswriter…. Over His Twitter Handle
  9. Adam Sandler Is The King of Hollywood Kissers
  10. Congrats! You Won The “Underwater Challenge!”

What The Heck? Redskins Home Opener Not A Sellout?

“Single Game Tickets Available Now!” reads the subject of an email the Redskins sent to their subscriber list on Monday, which includes links to purchase tickets to all eight regular season home games at FedEx Field, including the home opener Sept. 16 against the Colts. The Redskins have occasionally advertised single-game tickets before, typically claiming seats became available “due to visiting team ticket returns.”

  1. Redskins Drop “Waiting List” Myth, Start Selling Games 1 At A Time
  2. What’s The Difference Between A Lawn and a Meadow?
  3. Voter Fraud: Why Sportswriters Shouldn’t Do HOF’s Bidding
  4. He Died Doing What He Loved Most: Eating Fast Food
  5. J-Lo To Star As “Stripper Robin Hood” – I’m There!
  6. Homeless Woman Says Kellen Winslow Jr. Is A Very, Very, Bad Man
  7. The Five Big Questions for PGA Championship At Bellrieve
  8. Scammers Threaten To Reveal Your Porn Habits: Don’t Fall For It!
  9. Identical Twin Sisters Marry Identical Twin Brothers
  10. Rhino Rams SUV at Mexican Safari Park

Al-louett-a, Johnny Alouetta… Four Picks In A Half

“It sucks. Nevertheless, I don’t think this defines me coming up here as a CFL player. I don’t think one game, good, bad, indifferent, or anything makes your career. If I would’ve been judged after one game at Texas A&M, I wouldn’t be where I am today.”

  1. Johnny Manziel Has Disastrous CFL Debut
  2. Horrible Idea: HOF Mulls New Rules on No Shows
  3. Phil Mickelson Must Really Need That Shirt Money
  4. Tiger’s Firestone Mojo Takes The Weekend Off
  5. The Chinese Really Hate Winnie The Pooh
  6. Rapper Fights Teammate in Minor League Basketball Game
  7. NASCAR: We’re On To Your Tricky, Cheatin’ Paint Schemes
  8. The Astros Keep Releasing Statements About Roberto Osuna
  9. Newseum Buckles to Hysterical Mob, Removes Funny T-Shirt
  10. We Talkin’ ‘Bout Practice! Eagles Pack 40,000 Into Linc

Old & Busted: Tennis Lessons, Hot & Fresh: Fortnite Lessons

Hiring a “Fortnite” coach for a child is no different than enlisting an expert to help a child excel at basketball or chess, parents say. Some sit in on lessons to make sure coaches are professional and that their children, well, level up.” 

 

  1. Parents Now Paying For Kids To Get Lessons in Video Games
  2. Dan Wetzel: Two Key Elements of Urban Meyer’s Predicament
  3. Here We Go Again! Yanks Sonny Gray Has Dicey Tweets Re-Surface
  4. Source: Tiger vs. Phil For $10M Tentatively Set for Thanksgiving
  5. Bears 1st Round Pick Holding Out Over Helmet Rule Language
  6. NFL Releases (Not Really) Helpful “Fact Sheet” On Rule
  7. J.R. Smith Now Throwing Cell Phones, Not Soup
  8. Dak Prescott Stands Firm on Anthem Opinion
  9. Democrats Take Their Ball, And Go Home
  10. Gator Wideout Pulled Over With Loaded AR-15 In Back Seat

It’s An Idea So Simple, You Wonder Why It Took This Long

“There’s a lot of fans that think that sitting in the same seat over and over again is unattractive,” said A’s chief operating officer Chris Giles. “As we look to designing a new ballpark for our team, we look to doing it with this type of optionality in mind.”

  1. A’s To Offer Season Tickets With Variable Seating: Brilliant!
  2. Yes, The CzabeCast Has It’s Own Sub-Reddit! Jump on in!
  3. Funeral Homes Increasingly Playing “Dress Up” With Their Dead
  4. Richie Incognito, Maybe Your Next Senator!
  5. USGA Ready To Outlaw Numbers and Drawings on Paper
  6. Lawsuit: “Where’s the Ginger?”
  7. Send It!
  8. This Video Will Make Your Stomach Hurt
  9. Have You No Shame! Zoo Paints Donkey, Into A Zebra
  10. Flakka Drug Make You Go “Ba…Boom Boom… BAM!”

One Thing For Sure, It’ll Never Have the Simple Ring of “The Mecca”

“One might reasonably point out that if doing business in Wisconsin was so financially arduous for Fiserv that they essentially needed a bribe in order to stay there, it’s a bit surprising that they just happen to have enough spare change in their pockets to ink a 25-year naming rights deal, no? Hmmmm.”

  1. Milwaukee’s New Arena Named After Company That Got Public Handout
  2. Stadium Naming Rights Suck? Get A “Naming Wrongs” T-Shirt!
  3. Psycho Calls Cable Company To Change Local Bar’s Sports Package
  4. Astros Roll The Dice With Domestic Abuser Roberto Osuna
  5. Czabe’s “ALE Theory” By Way of Advanced Metrics
  6. Geezuz…. Don’t Do This!
  7. “Shut Up…. Jerry!”
  8. Idiots Steal Shark From Zoo By Swaddling It Like A Baby
  9. How An Ex-Cop Rigged McDonald’s Monopoly For Millions
  10. Of Course There’s A “Hot Water Challenge” Because… The Internet

 

“If I Can’t Get It Done, I’m Not Going to Take Their Money”

“Who guarantees I’m going to live 10 years?” he said. “So I don’t think about that. You start thinking about a 10-year contract – people don’t know how it’s structured and it doesn’t matter. The only thing that matters is, ‘Is Khalil Mack going to be here? Is Donald Penn going to be ready to play?’ I’ve got more important things to worry about than eight years of my contract.”

  1. Jon Gruden Doesn’t Want to Dwell on His Record Breaking Contract
  2. The NFL’s Universally Despised Pre-Season Is Back…. Ugh… Again.
  3. College Football Has Figured Out The Anthem, Why Can’t NFL?
  4. Merry Mex To Canada: Be Proud of Your Golf Championship!
  5. Lamar Odom, A Hooters, and Gunshots
  6. More Than 17,000 People Want to Drink Disgusting “Mummy Juice”
  7. Dogs Go Out of Their Way to Comfort Humans When Feeling Sad
  8. Largest Dinosaur Foot Ever Found! (No, It Doesn’t Belong to Shaq)
  9. Poor Matt Lauer Can’t Even Find Peace in New Zealand!
  10. CVS Pharmacy’s Hold Music Is Driving Customers Insane

All That Avacado “Ice Cream” For That Body?

I’ll be the first to admit my shirtless “dad-bod” looks a helluva a lot worse than his. In fact, I’d say mine is the Brett Hundley of shirtless bods, to Tom Brady’s actual shirtless bod. But then again, he’s eating avacado “ice cream” with sawdust sprinkles, while trying to drown himself in water. Me, I eat a share pack of M&M Caramels every day, thanks. So who’s really winning here?

  1. Ageless NFL Wonder Getting Body Shamed Kissing Supermodel
  2. Meet Robot Steph Curry: Defense Needs Work, However
  3. It’s Happened Again: Beach Umbrella Impales Woman in Chest
  4. Easily the Worst Call in Baseball History
  5. College Video Game Teams Already Have a Title IX Problem
  6. MLB teams’ Directors of Bunting, Shift-Defeating and Opposite Field Hitting
  7. Elon Musk Is A Total Fraud
  8. Cancel The Social Media Lynch Mob on Cubs Ball Meanie
  9. Buccaneers Are Back To Square One: “What About the QB?”
  10. Tour de France Rider Punches Opponent in Face